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Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open – SNL

October 12, 2019


[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ PHONE DIALING ] [ RINGING ]
>>YELLO. IT’S DONALD TRUMP.
WHO THIS?>>IT’S MICHAEL COHEN.
GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.>>OH, HEY, WHAT’S UP, AMIGO.
HOW YOU HOLDING UP IN PRISON?>>I’M NOT IN PRISON.
>>OH, WELL, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
>>MR. TRUMP, WE’RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT OUR ALLUSION-CAY AND OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE-JAY.>>SORRY, I DON’T WANT SPEAK
SPANISH. WAIT, ARE YOU ON A SECURE LINE?
>>ABSOLUTELY. I DIALED STAR-86 BEFORE THE
NUMBER, SO IT’S COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE.
MR. TRUMP, I DON’T WANT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY ON THE STORMY DANIELS PAYMENT.
>>LOOK, LET’S GET RUDY GIULIANI ON THE PHONE.
HE’LL FIX THIS. HE’S GOT THE SHARPEST LEGAL MIND
SINCE “MY COUSIN VINNIE.”>>OKAY, BUT JUST TO BE SAFE,
LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON ONE OF MY BURNER PHONES.
>>WAIT, YOU KEPT THE BURNER PHONES?
THAT’S NOT GOOD. [ DIALING ]
[ RINGING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>YES, HELLO, THIS IS DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW ANY OF MY PATIENTS’ MEDICAL HISTORY?
>>HEY, MAN, I’M SORRY. I TRIED TO DIAL TRUMP, DONALD,
BUT I DIALED TRUMP DOCTOR.>>IS THIS YOU, MICHAEL COHEN?
MICHAEL, I’M GLAD YOU CALLED. SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY OFFICE AND
STOLE MY FILES. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS
RAPED!>>I DON’T THINK YOU CAN SAY
THAT.>>WELL, I ALREADY DID.
RAPED!>>ALL RIGHT.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?>>NO.
I’M — I’M BUSY LATER. I’M KIDDING.
I HAVE ZERO COMMITMENTS PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY.
BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO DRUGS, I CAN GET YOU ALL THE
DRUGS.>>ALL RIGHT.
I’LL CALL YOU BACK, HAROLD. GOOD-BYE.
>>ALL RIGHT. OKAY, I’LL JUST BE SITTING HERE
IN MY OFFICE, WHERE I LIVE. BYE!
[ DIALING ]>>HELLO?
>>HEY — RUDY? IS THAT YOU?
>>YES. THAT’S RIGHT.
IT’S ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>RUDY. RUDY GIULIANI, TRUMP’S LAWYER
AND HIS WORST NIGHTMARE.>>LOOK, RUDY, CAN WE SPEAK
FREELY? ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YEAH, YEAH, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALONE.
THIS IS A COMMERCIAL BREAK, RIGHT, TOOTS.
>>NO.>>OKAY, YEAH, WE’RE GOOD TO
TALK. WE’RE GOOD TO TALK.
>>ALL RIGHT. LET ME LOOP IN MR. TRUMP.
ALL RIGHT. IS EVERYONE ON?
>>YES.>>ALL RIGHT.
GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE JUST DECIDE ON ONE LIE AND STICK TO IT?
BECAUSE OUR STORIES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
>>GUYS, HOLD THAT THOUGHT. I’M GETTING A CALL FROM WORK.
>>MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.
DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THE STORMY DANIELS AFFAIR?
>>YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO.
>>OKAY, GOOD! JUST AS LONG AS WE’RE ON THE
SAME PAGE. I’M GOOD TO GO.
SEE YOU MONDAY.>>OKAY, I’M BACK.
>>HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CAN WE HURRY THIS UP.
I’M SUPPOSED TO DO 25 MORE TALK SHOW APPEARANCES TODAY AND I’M
TRYING TO MAKE IT LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR, YOU KNOW, WHERE I
REVEAL ONE NEW CRIME ON EACH SHOW, SO.
>>HEY, I’M GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
HANG ON.>>HELLO, MICHAEL?
IT’S MELANIA.>>OH, HEY, MELANIA!
I WAS JUST TALKING TO DONALD ABOUT —
>>OH, UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION
FOR A FRIEND OF MINE, OKAY? IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ACCUSED OF
CRIME, WOULD SHE HAVE TO TESTIFY AGAINST HIM?
>>NO.>>BUT COULD SHE?
IF SHE WANT TO?>>I GUESS SHE COULD.
>>OH, MY FRIEND WILL BE SO HAPPY.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.>>OKAY.
WAIT. WHICH PHONE WAS MR. TRUMP ON?
HELLO?>>YEAH, THIS IS OMAROSA AND I’M
STILL PISSED OFF!>>NOPE.
HELLO?>>HI, THERE, STRANGER.
WHAT’S YOUR NAME?>>MIKE PENCE?
>>WHO IS THIS? I WAS TOLD THIS WAS A PARTY LINE
WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.>>I — I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.
>>UH –>>HELLO?
>>YES, THIS IS IVANKA AND JARED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HI.
HI. HELLO.
>>MICHAEL, DID WE HEAR GIULIANI CALL JARED “DISPOSABLE” ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION? BECAUSE JARED IS FURIOUS.
>>YEAH, MAN, I’M LIKE WHAT THE HELL, I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME. I COULD CUT A BITCH.
DON’T EVEN TRY TO COVER FOR ME, OKAY?
>>YOU KNOW, IVANKA, YOUR DAD WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT
YOU, BUT IF HE NEEDS TO, HE WOULD THROW JARED UNDER THE BUS
IN A HEARTBEAT.>>WHAT’D HE SAY?
>>HE SAID YOU’RE FINE.>>YOU KNOW, I’LL TALK TO YOU
LATER.>>MR. TRUMP?
>>WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, MICHAEL?
I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT ON HOLD.
I’M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING WITH MY NEW CHIEF STRATEGIST, KANYE
WEST.>>THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO?>>CALL UP STORMY DANIELS AND
FIX THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. MAYBE KEEP ME ON THE PHONE, TOO.
I’LL JUST BE QUIET AND LISTEN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>MICHAEL?>>STORMY?
THIS IS MICHAEL COHEN. ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YES.>>AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
>>EXCUSE ME?>>OKAY MICHAEL, I CAN TAKE IT
FROM HERE.>>OKAY, BUT AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I
HIGHLY ADVISE AGAINST YOU –>>SO, WHAT UP, GIRL?
>>HELLO, DONALD.>>COME ON, STORMY, STOP MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S JUST AN ACT.
>>I WORK IN A ADULT FILMS. WE’RE NOT REALLY KNOWN FOR OUR
ACTING.>>JUST TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU
NEED FOR THIS TO ALL GO AWAY?>>A RESIGNATION.
>>YEAH, RIGHT. BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE DOING
PORN. ONCE YOU DO IT, IT’S HARD TO DO
ANYTHING ELSE. BESIDES, MY POLL NUMBERS ARE
FINALLY UP. AND SPEAKING OF “POLLS” BEING
UP — OH, COME ON, WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE SHARK WEEK.
I SOLVED NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA. WHY CAN’T I SOLVE US?
>>SORRY, DONALD. IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT A
A-COMING, BABY.>>I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED AND
SO HORNY AT THE SAME TIME. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

60 Comments

  • Reply Author Valda Dedieu October 1, 2019 at 12:07 am

    Where can you still find a public phone in New York?

  • Reply Regina Phalange October 1, 2019 at 3:14 am

    I could cut a bitch!

  • Reply Hector App October 2, 2019 at 6:36 pm

    Prostitutes and hookers …they are all the same !

  • Reply rathofturkey October 2, 2019 at 10:55 pm

    Geez SNL has reached a new low allowing an actual porn star on set. So embarrassing. It's not like it's Dillion Harper, Dana Dermond, Dani Daniels, Dani Jensen, Mia Malkova (before Blacked), Adriana Chechik (after Blacked), Veronica Avluv, Kendra Lust, Aubrey Sinclair or Emily Addison. They put Stormy Daniels their show. That's just nasty.

  • Reply Jacqueline Morrison October 4, 2019 at 12:01 am

    All. These. Things. No. Fare

  • Reply Ducati Dave October 4, 2019 at 1:11 am

    This was over a year ago. And look where we are now

  • Reply Ritchy Alvarez October 4, 2019 at 5:13 am

    OMG, how did I miss this. I could not stop laughing.

  • Reply James Bon October 4, 2019 at 3:35 pm

    Boy, SNL was off on this. And on Avenatti, and on Trumps tax evasion, and on the Mueller report, and on collusion, and on obstruction, and on the caravan, and on the crisis at the border and now on a bogus impeachment. Gee….I guess SNL sucks lately.

  • Reply Carmen Cotto October 5, 2019 at 12:51 pm

    Who's watching on 10/5/2019

  • Reply john bailey October 5, 2019 at 6:21 pm

    Trump is a true embarisment to himself and the country when a porn star has MORE creditabilty then himself.

  • Reply Liane Cornils October 5, 2019 at 10:31 pm

    This is just how I see it.comic.

  • Reply gregory hoover October 6, 2019 at 1:51 am

    I'm pleased there are so many people who have clicked "like" on this post, as it provides us a roster of names for the internment camps.

  • Reply Suz Clayton October 6, 2019 at 2:30 am

    We will always have Shark Week 📉

  • Reply Stan Smith October 6, 2019 at 2:59 pm

    SNL is so f_cking pathetic.

  • Reply Sandy G October 6, 2019 at 5:38 pm

    EPIC….❤️❤️

  • Reply Sandy G October 6, 2019 at 5:39 pm

    Aww, all the thumbs down people are Republicans. They really HATE the truth. 🤷‍♀️

  • Reply lisa lisa October 6, 2019 at 5:41 pm

    THAT was good!!!!
    Lotta talent💪 in that open👏🔥😹

  • Reply Tilly T October 6, 2019 at 8:40 pm

    It’s the two FBI agents that crack me up ! 😂😂

  • Reply big country October 6, 2019 at 10:13 pm

    She has a jaw that looks like she could chew through half in cable

  • Reply John Guarino October 7, 2019 at 1:19 am

    hahaha

  • Reply Quirky Quips October 7, 2019 at 4:02 am

    StD was spot on about not being known for acting ability.

  • Reply John October 7, 2019 at 10:46 am

    “A storm is a coming” shut the fuck up stupid ass hoe nothing came from ur stupid ass claims

  • Reply Olav Langli October 7, 2019 at 12:53 pm

    Trump is an idiot BUT I don't trust women!!, they all seem to show up with accusations when the pay off is biggest!!

  • Reply Jacqueline Morrison October 7, 2019 at 2:20 pm

    Scared

  • Reply Cosmic Dark Matter October 7, 2019 at 2:52 pm

    haha Jared Kushner is Mickey Mouse… aha

  • Reply Ron Wade October 7, 2019 at 3:06 pm

    Miss Stormy Daniels herself so remember this plot is based on what our President actually did!

  • Reply Cool Ties October 7, 2019 at 3:13 pm

    SNL's best…..

  • Reply Steven Jones October 7, 2019 at 3:28 pm

    Remember when SNL was truly funny, before President Trump?

  • Reply SCRAPE N BASS October 7, 2019 at 11:19 pm

    7:13 she totally botched the line "live from new york its Saturday lighft"

  • Reply M Munroe October 8, 2019 at 4:14 am

    OMG! Absolutely effing awesome.

  • Reply Scott Hart October 8, 2019 at 4:28 am

    How hilarious is it that the lefts miracle and idol is an adult xxx star that gobbles hotdogs for a living?

  • Reply Linn Specialist October 8, 2019 at 9:00 am

    Just so good. Trump has no shame. So sad. But we are happy because he will be ousted soon. At most one more year. And America will get rid of this sickness.

  • Reply Tim Smith October 8, 2019 at 10:28 am

    The hag got her fifteen minutes and dissapeared

  • Reply Judith Aiken October 8, 2019 at 2:14 pm

    Love love love this

  • Reply MIKE VON BACH October 8, 2019 at 3:37 pm

    Knowing Trump's mental state with all you people Picking on this poor misunderstood soul is tantamount to schoolyard bullying. And dam it this ungodly practice has to stop. My name is Mike Pence ( and I with mother approve this message )

  • Reply John Karavitis October 8, 2019 at 6:00 pm

    Stormy Daniels == stoopid-ass dipshit.

  • Reply Teresa H. October 9, 2019 at 2:54 pm

    Damn, this shit is so funny! Still watching in 2019!

  • Reply Heather Mefford October 9, 2019 at 4:01 pm

    Awesomely Epic! 😂😂😂😂😂😂

  • Reply kevin collin October 9, 2019 at 4:09 pm

    7:15 lol, did she just say ‘Saturday life’?

  • Reply Patti Plenty October 9, 2019 at 4:24 pm

    SNL sucks..they believe a money grubbing skank like stormy daniels!!! LOL

  • Reply Ferdinand The Bull October 9, 2019 at 7:48 pm

    Rudy s hand is CREEEEPY!!!

  • Reply Terry Carr October 9, 2019 at 7:50 pm

    The only connection to stormy adams and a storms a coming is that both r full of wind

  • Reply Ferdinand The Bull October 9, 2019 at 7:52 pm

    SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!

  • Reply patricia Bermudez October 9, 2019 at 10:58 pm

    Hahahahahaha

  • Reply Gregg Blade October 10, 2019 at 12:34 am

    Who plays the doctor?

  • Reply Lighterknot October 10, 2019 at 1:15 am

    I remember when snl was funny

  • Reply MPBL October 10, 2019 at 3:32 pm

    Is it just me or does Stormy Daniels look like Elizabeth Moss? :O

  • Reply jman Laird October 10, 2019 at 5:37 pm

    Disgraceful.

  • Reply Miguel Nava October 10, 2019 at 6:02 pm

    She sad it's Saturday Life .she had one job 🤣

  • Reply Skinimin Onochie October 10, 2019 at 9:49 pm

    So many first for this administration…wonder where making a porn star famous ranks

  • Reply Miss Teach October 11, 2019 at 3:32 am

    Stormy, you are so much more honest than T-dump. Please don't back off! TX supports you, darling!

  • Reply Luis Angel Santos October 11, 2019 at 4:54 am

    1:47 “I guess you can say I was RAPED!!!

  • Reply Oliva bacus Edvardsen October 11, 2019 at 9:42 am

    😂😂😂😂😂😂🤣😅

  • Reply Irfan Khan October 11, 2019 at 11:07 am

    is that a treo 650?

  • Reply Brandue October 11, 2019 at 5:52 pm

    Fuc% celebrates…

  • Reply Mason Hall October 11, 2019 at 9:53 pm

    5:15 tiddies

  • Reply Hava Gordon October 11, 2019 at 11:29 pm

    Love snl

  • Reply Mohsin Qamar October 12, 2019 at 12:37 am

    10/11/19 God Damn this is good still watching 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • Reply roger peet October 12, 2019 at 3:54 am

    Reason #82 of the continuing series: 'How many times did Thump lie and break a law?'

  • Reply dandygirl6 October 12, 2019 at 4:27 am

    A Queen is born!

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