(yells) (dramatic rock music) – Oh, hi there. You smell that? Smells like my hometown. (upbeat rock music) – We put the ass in Texas. – God damn it, Ned. (upbeat music) (light music) – Welcome to Austin, Texas. The best city in the United States. – [Ned] Today, the Try
Guys are the Travel Guys. – We’re gonna be experiencing
culture, food, recreation and night life. – So because Austin is Eugene’s hometown, Eugene created the itineraries. That means Eugene is gonna succeed over us even more this episode. But I’m gonna do my best
to take that spotlight! – [Eugene] We’re going to get makeovers. We’re gonna try some breakfast tacos. We’re actually gonna
have a live podcast here at South by Southwest, see all the sights, we’re gonna visit Dirty Sixth, the iconic going out spot in town. We’re gonna try some barbecue. And we’re gonna show you exactly how Austin is weird in every
beautiful, magical, cool way possible. – Look at that skyline! Have you ever, can you believe it? I had four cups of coffee
because it is early! (dramatic music) – We are here on Lady Bird Lake. Austin is known to be a
very fit and active city. So, of course, I made everyone get up super early this morning so we can go kayak on the Colorado River. Everyone’s really excited about this. – Yeah. I like kayaking. I don’t like waking up. – Kayaking! My mom’s favorite activity. – I didn’t take my
Dramamine, know what I mean? (upbeat music) – People have a certain stereotype
about the American South and Austin defies every
single one of them. Stroke, stroke. – Look, I grew up in New York. I don’t have a wonderful
impression of Texas. Oh, it’s dripping on my pants. – There’s all these
festivals here all the time but I’m excited to just
get to know the people. Find out why they like it here. – I’m very excited to be here during the week of South by Southwest. – This is their first ever
live podcast recording. Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the Try Guys. – But I’m also trying to figure out what makes Austin weird. – We’re gonna do a race. We’re gonna go from here all the way past that dock, okay? – Okay.
– Race? – Liberal Mecca. Food trucks, Tex-Mex. And I can’t wait to get
weird inside of Austin. Also my dad’s here. Three, two, one, go. – All right, we’re going
back to shore, yeah? – Going back to shore.
– Okay, sick. And we are going home! (upbeat country music) Thank you.
– Beautiful. – Thank you. – Hey, guys, welcome to Cavender’s. I’m Dillon Deckert, nice to meet you. We’ve been around since 1965. We’re still family owned
and operated to this day. – You’re basically gonna help us today with a Western makeover.
– Cool. – [Eugene] What do you think
is the most important item? – I think we get you into a sweet pair of cowboy boots today. We gotta find the boot that fits you. – It’s like finding a wand. – Yes.
– In Harry Potter. The wand has to choose you.
– Yeah, sure, sure. Let’s start over there. – Let’s boot scoot boogie. – [Eugene] Keith, your puns
are out of control in Texas. – [Keith] Well, I’m familiar with all of the songs I heard growing up. – Wow, look at all these boots! Oh my god! – So we have over 8000 pairs
of boots in this location. They do anything from
what I would consider a basic Western boot, been around forever. But they get into some crazy things too, like this horse power. Ostrich print vamp with a green top to it. – I probably falsely assumed that cowboy boots would be very conservative. – [Dillon] You’re not alone in that. – I mean, you know,
girls in my high school would go to prom in boots. – Oh, sure.
– Yeah, so there were always tons of fashion boots. – By the way, Ned, this to
down there is all your size. – Really? – So this aisle–
– Whoa. – Becky would kill me
if I brought this home. So looks like I’m about to die. This is ridiculous looking. – So the best way to start delineating is picking out a toe style you like. This is gonna be your
typical Western toe boot. This is a seven toe. It’s what John Wayne used
in a lot of their movies. – Less rounded, more like angle. – Absolutely. It’s a little bit more punchy,
as we would say in Texas. – I want to see what boot,
can you hike those up? – Sure, absolutely. This is a real Mercedes. They’re made handmade in Mercedes, Texas. Came in crocodile vamp.
(sensual music) – [Eugene] Yeah, that’s like
a little surprise under the– – Yeah, exactly. – So do you always wear
the bootcut down over, ’cause it’s like you’re hiding the beauty. – Sure, sure. I get that. Every once in a while, get
wild and throw a dress on and hit the town.
(Eugene laughs) – The main part of the boot
that’s gonna show, though, is this bottom.
– Yes. – This is gonna kinda be a
little hidden treat for just. – [Dillon] Right, for you. Exactly.
– After hours. – That’s a treat for you.
– After hours. – [Zach] Does he need different jeans? Those won’t fit over a boot, right? – [Dillon] So we will have to get you into some different jeans
if we want ’em to fit over. Too skinny!
– Too skinny for a cowboy. – Too skinny for a cowboy. – [Eugene] I think I’m interested in a classic cowboy Stetson, wool felt style. Something that–
– Sure. – [Zach] Do you have children’s hats? – We have children’s hats,
but I think we’re gonna get you set up with a real deal adult hat. – Okay.
– We run the gambit of head sizes in our crew.
– So we’re looking about 24 inches. – Wow, we’re finally
gonna know definitively how different that our heads are. – About 21-and-a-half. – Three-and-a-half inches bigger. (beeping)
– So to give y’all an idea about how different your head sizes are, those are kinda the opposite
ends of the spectrum when it comes to the sizes
that we have available. – We knew it. You know, I think I’m
digging this dark chocolate. – We can actually change
the shape on these. – Really?
– And then what do you call this style?
(Eugene laughs) Yeah, this fits perfect. So this is a style that I’m into. This one’s a little big. – Do you have any idea
who made that hat style popular that particular–
– Zach Kornfeld. – Little guy by the name
of Lyndon B. Johnson. – Lyndon B.!
– Yeah. – Husband of Lady Bird.
– Yeah. – Eugene, do we like Lyndon B. Johnson? – Yeah, Lyndon B. Johnson’s all right. – Like, I know this city
does, but what did he do? – He took over after
Kennedy was assassinated. We’ll talk about it later. – I need something near my crotch to let people know that I’m serious. (laughing) You know? – So buckles really, what they are is they’re showing off winners. Guys win their belt buckles. So they were made for you. – [Keith] Maybe one with a pig on it or something with an animal or a chicken. – No, no chicken. But we do have our bulls and horses. – Horses.
– Horses. – I thought you didn’t like horses, Keith. – I don’t like when girls love horses because a girl who loves a horse will never love anyone
more than that horse. And I can’t have that. I need to be number one. But I appreciate the majesty of a horse. They’re very sexual beings. I want to put the horse near my horse. (laughs) – Could we see some big ‘ol horse options?
– Sure, absolutely. This has to be the most
impressive belt buckle that turns the most eyes.
– Oh my goodness. – We got bullrider, we
got the rubies in here. They’re gonna see you
coming from a mile, cowboy. – It makes you seem taller. – You said that people
earn their belt buckles. I’m not a bullrider. But I am Keith. I think this is the right call. This looks good.
– That looks great. – Yeah, I love this. (upbeat country music) (whip cracking) (dinging) – All right, boys, you ready
to go to the next stop? – Let’s hit the town.
– First we gotta pay for this. – Oh, yeah.
– I gotta give you my card. – Sounds like a plan.
– Do you take cash? (dramatic music) – Hello, welcome the to Tamale
House in East Austin, Texas. The Tamale House has
been around since 1958. So we’ve been dishing out some
good homecooked Mexican food for many, many years. My name is Diane Valera and
I’m the mom of this operation. – You’re our mom? – Of course. Once you walk into that
door, this is your home. And I adopt you. – I’m sure the other boys
here are very curious about what is it with
Austin and breakfast tacos? (overlapping chattering) Who invented the breakfast taco? – Abuelitas invented the breakfast taco. It was a food that grandmas and moms made to feed
their kids in the home. Some of it was by necessity. It’s like what do you have in the fridge? What can you feed your kids? – My grandfather had one of
the first tortilla factories and so as a child, we
would grab a tortilla and my mother would
make the potato and egg or whatever there was. And it’s just a meal of love because you can grab
anything that you like. Whether it’s cold or hot, they’re good. You use a tortilla and you
can put anything inside of it. – [Eugene] Take one. You want to clap? – Yes.
(claps) In today’s vlog is we’re eating
different kinds of tacos. (giggles)
– Yeah, that’s, I mean, you pretty much handled it. – So let’s get going. My name is Jax, I’m six years
old and what’s your name? – My name’s Eugene, but
you already know me. – Yep. – Okay, we need to just say this. Eugene and Jax met on the
airplane on the way here. – So I just met my new best friend. Introduce yourself. – My name is Jax. – This is the first child that Eugene has ever taken a liking to. We don’t know what’s happening. But we’re just gonna let it ride ’cause something’s weird’s
going on and I love it. – And you guys are both from Pflugerville.
– Now he likes he kids. That’s why he likes me. – [Ned] What? Eugene likes kids?
– Yeah. – You weren’t supposed to tell anybody. That was a secret. – Character growth. – [Jax] We’re introducing the tacos now. – [Carmen] So that’s Mom’s Migas Taco. Made in specialty. – Jax, you get first bite. (Eugene laughs) – Yum.
– Nailed it. – Yum, yum! – I mean, you know what?
– You know what’s true, in Texas you eat them with your hands. – It’s like corn sauce
inside of chicken and bun. – Yeah, it’s kinda like corn sauce inside of chicken and bun. That’s what I was going to say. These don’t taste eggy. Like you’d expect them to taste super eggy but the flavors are really balanced. – What’s next?
– All right. – So this is just a
traditional breakfast taco. – [Eugene] There we go. (laughing)
– I mean. He nailed it.
– The flour tortilla’s just so soft and pillowy.
– Wow. – That’s delicious.
– That adds so much flavor. – When I grew up, I’d have
breakfast tacos twice a week. – [Keith] These feel like
something you crush for us. – [Zach] This is just perfect bacon. – Next taco, please. – Crispy!
– Oh. – [Carmen] We’re moving into lunch now. – Oh, wow. – What a fast reviewer you are. – [Ned] Do you guys taste the
little lime on the guacamole? – You know, if you oversqueeze the lime, you get the bitters. It’s bad to oversqueeze your lime. – [Keith] That’s crazy. – Well, you’re wearing a bolo tie. You know what you’re talking about. – I do believe him with that bolo tie. – Yeah. As a native East Austinite
what are some things that make Austin so special? – Growing up, Austin was not a big city. It has really changed. It’s always been a community
that tries to be close. Having local residents here is wonderful but I think it’s also been wonderful for people to come from the outside because it is so diverse. We’re trying to deal
with traffic and housing but I think, in the end, people try to keep a positive outlook. – How do you like growing
up in the Austin area? – Awesome. It has special places because some of the United rules were made there. Mm-hm.
– What? – Oh, ’cause we’re the capital. It’s ’cause we’re the capital of Texas. – The waws. – The laws. – I get it.
– The United rules. Wow, I actually like
that terminology more. – [Zach] That’s better. – [Diane] What’s next is
a chicken tomatillo tamale (whistles)
with mole. – Wow, it’s beautiful.
– It’s the mole. – Mole.
– Chicken. – Chicken.
– Tomatillo tamale. (laughing) Another rave review. The second it touches your tongue. – We’re here to stay. We need to make it good for everyone and if we do that, the end
product is so much better than trying to work at odds. – Wow, oh my gosh. – Everything here is delicious. This is the best one so far. This is the Tamale House, though, too. I think Tex-Mex cuisine
is a perfect example of just American and Mexican
blended together perfectly. – Oh yeah.
– Oh my god. That’s amazing.
– Oh my god. – You have to get this if you come here. – Oh my god.
– Oh wow. – It doesn’t have to be Texan. It doesn’t have to be
Mexican, it can just be food. – Like the food itself,
it’s many ingredients commingling together.
– Aw, mom. – How romantic.
(laughs) – Can I just say?
– How’d you like all the food? – Just because I have good taste buds. – Wait, the question was
how did you like the food and he answered the
reason how he likes food is because of his taste buds. – [Eugene] It’s ’cause he’s really smart. – That’s a very amazingly
literal answer that I adore. (upbeat rock music) – Ready for our first ever live podcast at South by Southwest? What a place to, like, test. – I’ve done live shows before but every time just before I get on stage, I just get a little nervous. – Wait, can you say that again? I’ve done hundreds of liveshows. – I’ve done hundreds of liveshows. When I came up with the role
of Ned from the Try Guys, I said, “What sort of person is this Ned?” (laughing)
– Oh my god! – Are you guys ready to see the Try Guys? (audience cheering) – Hello, everybody.
– Wow! – And welcome to the TryPod – I’m trying to think of my biggest fail. So I took an independent
study doing puppetry. Super big into puppets. – Why are you guys laughing at that? (laughing)
– My friend brought me this beautiful wizard puppet and he said, “I would just
love for you to do something “really magical with this puppet.” – Did the puppet have a name? – Yes. The puppet’s name became the Vomiting, Dick-Sucking Wizard Puppet. (Zach laughs) And every show, he came out
and he would interview someone and all he would do is
ask an innocuous question and then if you answered, here’s the question, it
was like, “Hey, Miles, “what’s your favorite color?” – I don’t know, red. – “Red, well why don’t
you go suck red’s dick?” (shouting)
(audience laughing) That’s all the bit was. – Before we do go, we want to thank you because this was the first
time we’ve gotten to try this in front of people.
(audience cheering) – Until next time. – [Audience] Stay beautiful. – Thank you guys so much! (audience cheering and clapping) We are on our way to the FADER party. – Oh, yeah. – Every year, the FADER Fort is the hottest place at South by Southwest. It’s a long walk away, so instead of walking,
we’re taking pedicabs. Why, Ned, I do believe this
is a bicycle built for two! (yelling)
Here we go! (dramatic orchestral music) Pedicab, oh, oh! Hold on to my phone!
– We’re off-roading. – [Zach] Pedicabs are huge in Austin. – You’ve noticed how many places that are cool bars that you could walk to. – [Keith] But why walk– – [Eugene] Why walk when you can pedicab? – And I love being pedied.
– Yeah. – [Zach] Here’s a banana peel. – [Keith] Feels safe? – Oh god. Oh. – Safe. – We are one gust of wind away from losing my new favorite hat forever. – [Eugene] How’s my hair? – [Keith] It didn’t move at all. – Really? – That was amazing (laughs). – [All] To Texas! – The one thing I know about Austin is that it is one of the live
music capitals of the country. It seems like everything is
South by Southwest right now. It just totally takes over the city. We are here at the FADER Fort and guess who’s–
– The coolest party at South by Southwest.
– Cardi B played here. Drake played here.
– Wow. – And nobody’s playing tonight. I think there’s a message here, you know? Everyone has that white
whale in their life, the thing that you’re trying to chase down and then you get here and you realize. – It was inside you all along. – Yeah. The stage was inside me all along. ♪ I’d like to be a little rockstar ♪ ♪ Strumming songs on my guitar ♪ ♪ People shouting, screaming my name ♪ ♪ Play loud music again and again ♪ ♪ Little rockstar ♪ – Wow, I’m a little rock and roll god. – Hello, Cleveland! – Yeah! – Wah! (upbeat rock music) – Hey, hey, hey, hello, guys, how are you? – Hello.
– How are you? Welcome to Austin, Texas. This is CUCU from Ru Paul Drag Race. And hey, y’all. – [Eugene] Tell us about
your look, Cynthia. – Well, this is like a cowgirl,
housewife of Austin, Texas looking for trouble, you’re welcome. – I think we just found it. – How do we look? We got some Cavender’s,
like a boot over here, a hat over here, a vest. – Belt buckle.
– Feeling us a little Texan. – Well, guys, you tried. (laughing)
It’s gonna be fine. (camera clicking)
(light music) – [Eugene] So when you
did move first to Austin? – When I get an opportunity,
for the first time, to visit Austin, Texas,
I see the diversity. Diversity in culture,
diversity even ethnicity. We have a big Hispanic community here. So I was fascinated for them. Like, you know what? I’m crazy, keep Austin weird,
I’m in drag, this is for me. Since then, it was like nine years. And I love it so far. – I just wonder, at what
point in Austin’s history, did it start to get this
weird, like, culture? – We’re trying to keep Austin weird, when did Austin get so weird? – [Cynthia] It started in the 1950, 1960s when it was a lot of musicians. – And the hippy culture.
– On the way the hippy culture from New
Orleans, Oklahoma, coming here because it was the capital of music and capital of musicians to us all. – Well, think about the ’60s
and the flower power movement. Woodstock is a huge part of that. It’s like you have art being related to young, liberal boomer thinking and I think the South needed somewhere like that and Austin just happened to be the place. – All conservative states
typically have liberal capitals just because the capital is a place where everyone lives on top of each other. When you live on top of each other, you understand one another. And you become more open
to other people’s ideas. – Guys, we’re learning a
lot in front of the capital. – All right, enough smart talk. Let’s take some slutty photos. (laughing) (dramatic music)
(camera clicking) – [Eugene] If anyone visits
Austin, where can they see you? – My home bar is Old King’s Paris here in downtown Austin, Texas. And you can find me on social media, Cynthia Lee Fontaine
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, and sexual applications
on your phone too as well. (Zach giggles) – Okay! Okay.
– Well, well. (upbeat country music) – My name is Ren Garcia. We’re at Micklethwait Craft Meats. I am the pitmaster here. – Tell me what you’re doing
right now with this brisket? – [Ren] It’s prime Angus brisket. – Wow.
– How heavy is this? – This is probably about
10 pounds right now and it’s probably gonna
render out six pounds by the time it’s done.
– Wow. – Brisket, typical Texas barbecue? – It is the classic Texas item. – [Ned] Why is it so iconic? – Just because it takes so long and it’s just the hardest
thing to actually do properly and knock it out of the park. – So you must be pretty amazing? – I guess I am (laughs). – So what do we have here? This looks like a paradise of meats. – It is a meat paradise. You’ve got brisket, barbacoa,
chicken, pork shoulder, pork spare ribs, our house sausage, and then the last meat that
we have is the pulled lamb. So that’s lamb leg.
– That’s lamb? – Yeah.
– There ain’t mutton better. (Zach snorts) – What’s the deal with this bread? ‘Cause, like, white bread is just, like, this is so exciting, why this? – You can just stack all
your meats on top of it so that you have a nice,
little, juicy, soggy, piece of bread at the end? – It’s a delicious napkin you could eat, essentially.
(laughing) – Exactly.
– All right, amen. – [Ned] So what is Texas barbecue style? – Slow-smoked until it’s completely tender so you go slow and low. – Oh my god.
– There you go. Get it there, get it there.
– Whoa. – Get in there, get in there.
– Wow. – We don’t put sauce on it. Everything is salt and pepper. So we just buy the best quality meat that we can and then let
that kinda speak for itself. – [Keith] There it is, look at this. How easy it just comes right apart. – Oh my god.
– Oh my god! – Oh wow!
– They are right that you don’t need the sauce. I’m enjoying the sauce, which is delicious but there’s so much flavor
here all on its own. – Really strong flavor.
– Right. – [Zach] Love a good rub. – The chicken, because
it’s a little tender of a meat in general, the
smoke gets so far into it, there’s so much flavor. – Barbacoa.
– Yeah, barbacoa, for sure. – Ooh.
– It goes in almost like you’re going through butter. – Brisket and now all
this pastrami flavor, there is a huge overlap between
my people and your people. – Texans? – Texans and Jews. We got a lot of, I’m
surprised to see this. – Oh my god, just falls off the bone. – Oh my god.
– Yeah! – [Eugene] There’s a lot
of things to be said about the merits of not eating beef, right? – Right. – I always wondered personally why did I never think beef
could ever be out of my life and I return to this Texan brisket. – Yeah.
– So I am cutting out beef from my diet. But eating this, I’m like, oh, if I had this accessible to me, that decision would be way harder. – And you make your
own sides here as well? – All our own sides. We make all our own bread,
we make all our pickles. Your classic Texas sides are gonna be potato salad and coleslaw and beans. – These beans.
– They’re perfect. – Holy shit, they’re–
– That gave me. – It’s chili.
– It’s chili. – Oh my god.
– This is basically chili. – But here, we’re kinda known for having a different variety of sides. Our number one top seller
is our jalapeno cheese grits and our lemon poppy seed coleslaw, which is a vegan item.
– You can tell you’re in Austin when you’re at a barbecue place that has vegan options. That’s pretty amazing.
– Yeah. And we do Satan for the vegans. – Hail Satan. (laughs)
– Hail Satan. (upbeat rock music) – We changed and we’re gonna
have a good time tonight and check out some of the most iconic bars on Dirty Sixth Street. – [Ned] Dirty Sixth Street. Kinda reminds me of New Orleans. Hey! – [Eugene] So what’s cool
about Austin nightlife? – Cheap drinks. You can bar hop. – This is always closed
off every weekend, right? – Yes.
– Yeah. – Thursday through Sunday. – So we’re gonna go get fucked up, yeah? (yells) There’s a reason why
Austin is one of the most moved-to cities in the United States. Just so fucking cool. There’s a slide in the bar. – You didn’t tell me
that Austin had slides! (yells) This city’s awesome! (upbeat music) – Next bar! – What are flaming Dr. Pepper’s? – Well, it’s a medley of alcoholic drinks with dragon’s breath.
(dramatic music) – Yeah!
(cheering) – Yeah!
– Yeah! (glasses clinking)
– What?! (cheering) (upbeat music)
– Rooftop bars are a big thing here in Austin, right? – [Woman] There’s a ton of rooftop bars. – Yeah.
– Almost every bar has one. – [Eugene] Did you like riding the horse? – [Keith] I loved the horse. – Toy stores on toy stores. Who cares about the bars? Toys! I am the Rick Moranis of my generation. Here with Audrey too. That was the first try! Something in the air in Austin. It makes you a better person. – Why aren’t we drinking? Next bar! – We partied too hard.
(upbeat rock music) Way too hard. You guys want to rob a bank? I think I kept flipping the camera off. (yells) – I’m just walking like
I know where I’m going. – Isn’t Austin night life amazing? – Austin’s so fun! – [Eugene] There’s so many
bars, we just went to five. – There’s like 50 bars.
– Yeah. I think Austin bars, in general, are just better than other bars. They’re like universally good. (cheers)
– Suck it other bars! (yells) – No, no, no, no, don’t
embarrass me in my hometown. Oh my god.
– You embarrassed yourself. – You gave yourself a hard time. (yells) (dramatic music) – They say keep Austin weird
but by the end of this trip, I got a little weird. Come on, come on! Yes!
– So bad! I dare you!
– Oh! – Austin was great. If I’m being honest,
I always kinda thought the cowboy look was a little goofy. I look amazing in it (giggles). – Keep Austin weird, which means they just really embrace all the things
that make that city different. – What do you think is the
best thing about Austin? Why is it such a great city? – [Cynthia] Beside the
job opportunities or how gorgeous is the city, the people made Austin different and beautiful and friendly. And I like that. – You’re such a wise queen. – I try not to be. (laughing) – I think everyone should visit Austin. It’s a great city. But I think, more importantly, everyone should just try to travel. It’s so hard to encapsulate any place in just this short amount, but I think we scratched the surface in a way that really pays homage to how weird and diverse
and funky my city is. So, I guess this means Eugene’s got the coolest hometown, huh? – Uh.
– Well. – We’ll think about that. To be continued. (Eugene laughs) – It’s better than Carthage. – Hey, fellow Texans, I hope you loved our hometown exploration of Austin. You know you’re the best. I know you’re the best. That means you gotta come
see our nationwide tour. We have four Texan cities: Dallas, Austin, Houston, and San Antonio. Get your tickets now at tryguys.com/tour and show them why Texas is
bigger and better than the rest. – Don’t show us your dicks.
– Shots fired. (upbeat music) – Give a big thumbs
up, comment down below, and always subscribe and
every day’s a brand new day. Peace, whoo! And every day’s a brand new day. – That was perfect, Jax. – Yep.
– Yeah, you’re doing better than my friends.
>>Jimmy: IT’S VERY GOOD TO SEE YOU.>>YOU, TOO.>>Jimmy: I DON’T KNOW IF YOU REMEMBER, LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE, YOU AND BRAD PITT AND LEONARDO DICAPRIO WALKED RIGHT IN THE THEATER.>>HOW COULD I FORGET?>>Jimmy: AND THE AUDIENCE, SOME OF THEM ARE STILL SCREAMING. IT WAS CRAZY.>>IT BLEW OUT MY EARDRUMS.>>Jimmy: IT MUST BE HARD FOR THE THREE OF YOU TO GO TO THE MALL TOGETHER I WOULD IMAGINE.>>WHICH WE DO TOGETHER. IT’S A NIGHTMARE. I THINK IT’S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO HAVE ONE OF THEM IN THE ROOM, LET ALONE BOTH OF THEM.>>Jimmy: YOU THINK IT’S EXPONENTIAL WHEN THEY ARE TOGETHER, WHEN YOU GUYS ARE A GROUP, IT SUDDENLY BECOMES A BIGGER THING.>>YEAH, I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH I’M ELEVATING THE SITUATION, BUT DEFINITELY, BRAD AND LEO, PEOPLE LOSE THEIR MINDS.>>Jimmy: TRUST ME, YOU ELEVATE ALL SITUATIONS.>>THANK YOU.>>Jimmy: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GOLDEN GLOBE NOMINATION.>>THANKS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>Jimmy: FIRST WAS FOR “I, TONYA”. AND YOUR OTHER BIG FILM, “ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD” IS NOMINATED, TOO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>>Jimmy: YOU HAVE A DILEMMA, YOU HAVE TO DECIDE WHETHER TO SIT WITH YOUR “ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD” CAST OR “BOMBSHELL” CAST. WHO WILL YOU SIT WITH?>>I HADN’T THOUGHT THAT THROUGH.>>Jimmy: HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT INITIATING A COMPETITION, THEY CAN COMPETE TO SEE WHICH TABLE YOU WILL SIT AT?>>I SHOULD, I SHOULD DO THAT, WHOEVER’S GOT THE MOST INTERESTING CONVERSATION HAPPENING. I’LL JUST JUMP BETWEEN THE TWO.>>Jimmy: DO YOU THINK ONE WOULD BE INSULTED IF YOU SIT WITH THE OTHER ONE?>>I DON’T KNOW. I’M ACTUALLY A LITTLE ANXIOUS NOW. I HADN’T THOUGHT THAT FAR AHEAD. IT RUNS ON THE SEATS.>>Jimmy: I’M GLAD TO BRING A LITTLE ANXIETY INTO YOUR LIFE.>>THANK YOU. IT’S GREAT TO HAVE THAT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR.>>Jimmy: WHEN YOU WERE NOMINATED FOR THE OSCAR, WHO DID YOU BRING TO THE OSCAR WITH YOU?>>I BROUGHT MY MOM.>>Jimmy: YOU BROUGHT YOUR MOM.>>YOU KNOW, YOU GOT BRING YOUR MOM. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND WE HAD A GREAT TIME, AND SHE WAS SO HAPPY TO BE THERE, AND I DID THE, YOU KNOW, I SAT HER DOWN BEFOREHAND AND SAID, YOU KNOW, BE COOL, DON’T GO UP TO ANYONE. LIKE EVERYONE’S HAVING A NICE NIGHT, PLAY IT COOL.>>Jimmy: DID THAT WORK AT ALL?>>YEAH. SO WE GET THERE, AND I TURN AROUND FOR FIVE SECONDS, AND I TURN, I WAS LIKE, WHERE IS SHE? AND SHE’S FRONT ROW TALKING TO NICOLE KIDMAN WHO I HADN’T WORKED WITH AT THAT TIME. AND I DIDN’T KNOW, AND I WAS LIKE, MOM, MOM, GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! SHE WAS LIKE, SHE TALKED TO ME FIRST!>>Jimmy: IS THAT TRUE?>>DO YOUR PARENTS DO THAT?>>Jimmy: AND THEY ALWAYS SAY THEY TALKED TO ME FIRST. YEAH, BECAUSE YOU’RE SITTING IN THE DOORWAY OF HER DRESSING ROOM.>>YEAH. LITERALLY CAN’T GET PAST. YEAH, IT TURNS OUT NICOLE, WHO’S AN ABSOLUTE SWEET HEART HAD ASKED SOMEONE WHAT MY MOM’S NAME WAS AND HAD IN THIS INSTANCE TALKED TO HER FIRST, CALLED HER OVER AND JUST WANTED TO MAKE HER FEEL COMFORTABLE.>>Jimmy: WHAT DOES NICOLE KIDMAN MEAN TO AN ACTOR FROM AUSTRALIA?>>OH, MY GOSH.>>Jimmy: IS SHE LIKE — >>YEAH, SHE’S LIKE OUR QUEEN. YEAH. IT’S INSANE. SHE’S THE BEST.>>Jimmy: DO YOU GET OVER THAT QUICKLY WHEN YOU’RE WORKING SN TOGETHER?>>NO, I’M STILL A LITTLE [ BLEEP ]. AND IT’S NICOLE AND CHARLIZE. YEAH. IT’S QUITE SURREAL.>>Jimmy: YOU ARE PLAYING, WELL, YOU PLAY KIND OF AN AMALGAMATION OF CHARACTERS IN THE MOVIE. CHARLIZE PLAYS MEGYN KELLY. AND NICOLE PLAYS — >>GRETCHEN CARLSON. AND I PLAY A FICTIONAL CHARACTER BUT MADE UP FROM A NUMBER OF WOMEN AND THEIR EXPERIENCES AT FOX NEWS.>>Jimmy: IT’S ALMOST HARD TO BELIEVE WHEN YOU WATCH THIS MOVIE THAT THIS WAS REALLY GOING ON.>>YEAH. YEAH. FOR AS LONG AS IT DID, AS WELL. THE MOVIE’S PRETTY, IT’S INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING. IT’S VERY FAST PACED AND YOU GET TO THE END. YOU’RE LIKE, OH, MY GOD, I WASN’T READY FOR THAT TO END. BUT IT SEEMS TO BE REALLY AFFECTING PEOPLE. PEOPLE REALLY WANT TO TALK AFTERWARDS. IT’S BEEN QUITE FASCINATING.>>Jimmy: YEAH AND I WONDER IF THE GANG AT FOX NEWS IS GOING TO GO AND SEE IT AND DISCUSS IT AMONGST THEMSELVES OR IF THEY’LL EVEN TALK ABOUT IT ON THE AIR OR TRY TO PRETEND IT DIDN’T HAPPEN.>>I KNOW.>>Jimmy: I IMAGINE THERE WON’T BE A WHITE HOUSE SCREENING OF THIS PARTICULAR FILM.>>PROBABLY NOT. PROBABLY NOT. YEAH. I WONDER IF TRUMP WILL SEE THE MOVIE. I MEAN, HE’S IN IT IN PLACES, SO.>>Jimmy: WELL, IF YOU TELL HIM HE’S IN IT IN PLACES HE’LL GO SEE THE MOVIE. HE LIKES STUFF HE IS IN. WHAT’S THE FIRST AWARDS SHOW YOU EVER WENT TO?>>IN AUSTRALIA WE HAVE THE LOGIES. WHICH IS THE EQUIVALENT.>>Jimmy: IF YOU NEED UPHOLSTERY DONE.>>ARE YOU SERIOUS? I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO YOU GUYS IN THE BREAK.>>Jimmy: WHY ARE THEY CALLED THE LOGIES?>>I DON’T KNOW.>>Jimmy: SOUNDS LIKE LOOGIES.>>THE LOGIES ARE THE FUNNEST AWARD SHOWS EVER. I HAVEN’T BEEN FOR A DECADE NOW, BUT WHEN I WAS 18 AND IT WAS THE FIRST ONE I WENT TO, IT’S LIKE THE WILD WEST.>>Jimmy: WHY ARE THEY — >>IT’S A BIG PISS-OFF, EVERYONE GETS ABSOLUTELY HAMMERED.>>Jimmy: OH, THEY DO. IS IT ON TV?>>OH, YEAH. PEOPLE ARE DRUNK THE NEXT DAY GOING TO WORK.>>Jimmy: ON TV.>>GENERALLY THE TWO BIG SHOWS, “NEIGHBORS” AND “HOME AND AWAY”. YOU HAVE TO WORK THE NEXT DAY AFTER THE LOGIES, PEOPLE SHOW UP IN THEIR GOWNS, STILL DRUNK.>>Jimmy: REALLY?>>YEAH, A FAMOUS TALK SHOW HOST DID THE MORNING SHOW WASTED. AND AUSTRALIA LOVED HIM MORE AFTER THAT. [ LAUGHTER ] THEY LOVED IT.>>Jimmy: WOW, IS IT REALLY, IT’S NOT AS, LIKE HERE, IT’S FROWNED UPON A LITTLE BIT IF SOMEBODY’S — >>NO, NO, VERY MUCH EMBRACED. I MEAN, I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE NOW, BUT BACK THEN, I WAS, LAKE I SAID, I WAS 18, SO OF COURSE I WAS VERY EXCITED TO BE AT THE LOGIES, AND THE SECOND YEAR I WENT I GOT SO DRUNK I PASSED OUT. IT’S HELD IN THE CASINO, BIG CROWN CASINO, HUGE, HUGE CASINO IN MELBOURNE, AND I PASSED OUT IN ONE OF THE TOILET STALLS, LIKE A CUBICLE.>>Jimmy: WHAT?>>AND I WOKE UP AND I CAME OUT, AND IT HAPPENED TO BE THE ONE HOUR THAT THE CASINO CLOSES TO BE CLEANED. AND THERE’S NO PEOPLE THERE, AND I DIDN’T KNOW IT EVER CLOSES, IT’S FULL OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. I CAME OUT AND IT WAS SUCH A WEIRD, SURREAL EXPERIENCE, THERE WAS NO ONE AROUND. AND FOR A SECOND IN MY DRUNKEN STATE, I WAS LIKE, DID I DIE? IS THIS PURGATORY? AM I, AM I IN BETWEEN HEAVEN AND HELL RIGHT NOW? THIS IS SO WEIRD.>>Jimmy: WOW. WERE YOU DID YOU EVER FIGURE IT OUT?>>NO, EVENTUALLY, I FOUND SOMEONE WHO WAS CLEANING. THEY WERE LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT TIME IS IT? I HAVE TO GO TO WORK. I THINK I SHOWED UP IN MY GOWN. AND THE NURSE AT WORK GAVE ME OXYGEN. I FELT GREAT AFTER.>>Jimmy: WHEN YOU HAVE A NURSE AT WORK YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A MORE FUN JOB THAN MOST EVERYONE ELSE.>>HER BUSIEST DAY IS THE DAY AFTER LOGIES FOR SURE.>>>OH, MY GOSH. I CAN’T GET FIRED. THIS IS THE ONLY JOB I HAVE EVER WANTED. I DON’T WANT TO BE ON TV, I WANT TO BE ON FOX.>>UH-HUH.>>MY FAMILY, EVERY DAY, EVERY HOLIDAY, LIKE, ESPECIALLY HOLIDAYS. THEY WATCH FOX NEWS. WE’RE LIKE ADDICTS. FOX IS HOW WE DO CHURCH, YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY MADE THE LOGO, HIS FOLKS HAD FOX BURN THE INTO THEIR TV SCREENS. THAT’S US.>>KAYLA, YOU’RE NOT GETTING FIRED. HE CANNOT SCALE HIS ANGER. HE’S A PERPETUAL OUTRAGE MACHINE. NO OFFENSE TO YOUR FAMILY. NO CRYING AT FOX.>>Jimmy: THAT’S MARCH GO ROBBI AND KATE McKINNON. DID YOU KNOW MUCH ABOUT THAT WORLD OF THIS KIND OF FOX NEWS FEASTING FAMILY?>>NO, NOT AT ALL. AND IT TURNS OUT THAT JAY KIND OF, BUT PARTICULARLY CHARLES GREW UP, CHARLES GREW UP IN A VERY EVANGELICAL FAMILY, SO THEY GAVE ME LOTS OF INTEL, BUT THE E I IDEA OF, I DIDN’T KNOW ANY L MILLENNIAL WOMEN WHO WERE CONSERVATIVE AND VOCAL WITH THEIR VIEWS, SO I START ADD FAKE TWITTER ACCOUNT. HONESTLY, IT WAS SO HELPFUL.>>Jimmy: SO YOU COULD LEARN ABOUT THEM FROM TWITTER?>>YEAH, TO ABSORB THEIR VIEWS.>>Jimmy: HOW DID YOU FIND THEM, LOOK FOR SOMEONE WITH A PROFILE WITH A PICTURE OF A FLAG OR EAGLE ON IT? DO YOU KNOW, AND I HATE, I HOPE YOU KNOW ABOUT THIS, I DON’T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU IF YOU DIDN’T. “STAR WARS” OPENS TOMORROW, ALSO. YEAH.>>I, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME, AND A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE ARE GOING TO KILL ME. I’VE NEVER SEEN “STAR WARS.”>>Jimmy: WOW.>>I’VE NEVER SEEN ANY OF THEM.>>Jimmy: THAT DOESN’T MEAN IT’S NOT GOING TO OPEN.>>I KNOW, SO I’M LETTING YOU KNOW, GO SEE “BOMBSHELL” INSTEAD.>>Jimmy: YOU’VE NEVER SEEN “STAR WARS”?>>NO, AFTER A COUPLE YEARS IT HADN’T HAPPENED. IT REALLY UPSETS PEOPLE, LIKE PEOPLE GET REALLY ANGRY THAT I HAVEN’T WATCHED ANY OF THEM, AND IT’S REALLY KIND OF FUNNY, SO I’VE HELD OFF NOW, IT PARTICULARLY INFURIATES MY HUSBAND. I’VE HELD OFF, IT’S NICE HAVING IT IN MY BACK POCKET. IF LIFE GETS A LITTLE DULL I’VE GOT “STAR WARS.”>>Jimmy: DO YOU KNOW WHO LUKE SKYWALKER’S FATHER IS?>>THAT ONE I DO KNOW. I AM YOUR FATHER. ISN’T IT DARTH VADER? DO YOU KNOW THE MOST I KNOW OF “STAR WARS” IS THIS SKETCH OF THE — I COULD DO THAT WHOLE, THAT WHOLE THING. IT’S SO GOOD.>>Jimmy: THAT’S THE EXTENT OF YOUR “STAR WARS” KNOWLEDGE?>>YEAH.>>Jimmy: I’D LOVE TO SIT DOWN AND WATCH ALL NINE MOVIES WITH YOU SOMETIME. SKETCH IT IN. IT’S GREAT TO SEE YOU. HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY.>>THANK YOU. MARGO ROBBIE. THE MOVIE IS “BOMBSHELL”. IT OPENS TOMORROW.
(gentle music) (phone ringing) – Yeah, Mom, I’m keeping an eye on him. It’s fine. (sighs) He’s just riding his bike. I’ll call you later, okay? (bike wheels tick) (bike clatters) Amon? (Amon gasps) (dramatic music) Amon, come on! Amon? Amon! I’m so sorry, Amon! I shoulda kept a closer eye on you! (inhaler wheezes) (Amon gasps) (inhaler wheezes) (Amon gasping) It’s gonna be okay. ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Don’t run away ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Far away ♪ ♪ (Giggling) ♪ (soft rock music) – Hey, we need to get going. Why are you looking at videos of her? – She’s fast. Almost as fast as me. – Look, I don’t think you
should be on the track team. – Are you…kidding me?! – Seriously, you need to tell Violet now. – Why? – Because. – And so I told Beau she
needs to talk to Marcus about the whole football situation. Anyways, what time’s practice? Violet? (dreamy music plays) Violet? Violet? (music is cut off) Violet! (snaps fingers) – Sorry, what? – What time’s practice today? – Uh, three, right after school. – Okay (Funky music plays) – Well actually, I mean it was crazy, crazy, right- – It was so good, and we have to do something similar, right? Like with the comedy components- – I guess, but like- (Talking over each other) – Comedy, action- – As far as, we can definitely start… – Hey- (Talking over each other) – Hey! Hey- Okay, okay,
okay, okay, bring it in, so, welcome to the new
and improved track team! Beau’s gonna take role and give you your assignments for the time trials later today. – That’s today?! – Yeah, that’s today. – Um, we usually go see a
movie during the time trials. – Which is exactly why Millwood calls us the slack team. We’re better this year. We’re gonna win. – Okay, um, Rafa, you’ll be running the 200 hundred meters… That sounds long. – It’s the second
shortest race. I can’t be the shortest… – Second shortest! All right, sweet. – And… Beanie, welcome,
you’ll be running the 400 meters. – Okay, cool. – Okay… – Hey, I’m late my bad. – Let’s go, Marc. – What’s up? – Marcus! You came! – Yeah, why wouldn’t I? – Um, okay, well- Marcus,
looks like you’re running the 800, which is twice around the track. – Um, Marcus has explosive
speed on the football field, so he should probably
run something shorter. – Beau, you didn’t even
know how long the 100 was. Trust me, I got this. – Okay.. – Looks like we got
everyone… but Amon… But… I don’t see him… anywhere. – I told you we should’ve checked if he was actually on the team – Why would he not
actually be on the team? He helped us pass out flyers. – Rowan? – So, why don’t we talk
about colleges today? – I’m not even sure I’m
gonna go to college. – Why is that? (emotional music begins playing) – Amon needs me? Look, my mom’s away all the time, my dad is constantly working. – We talked about this last week. – Have you ever seen
someone lose their breath from an asthma attack? It’s really scary. And it happens to Amon all the time. – He can learn how to
take care of himself. – He’s a forgetful teenager,
he loses his inhaler like he loses his lunch. – So he’ll learn! Look, maybe being on the
team will be good for him! – That’s the problem! People start relying on him, and then they’re gonna start
pushing him, until what, they’re actually competing
against other schools? He’s so loyal, it would crush him if he let them down. He’s gonna push himself way to far. (Bell rings) (background talking) – Hey, Violet. Rafa ditched again. That’s at least six times this semester. – But- he was at practice this morning. – Last night, I saw him
at the grocery store with his little brother, told me he was on babysitting duty. – Where was his mom? – I didn’t see her. (dramatic music plays) – This is Shakespeare’s most famous play. A classic tale of young love and tragedy. So, how do feel about these two teenagers dealing with so many adult problems? Anyone? What do you think, Amon? – They seemed unequipped for the challenges they face. – Do we agree with Amon? – Uh, no, actually I disagree, Amon, it’s because their restrictive
and narrow-minded families stand in the way of
their hopes and dreams. – But these two people are young, don’t they need supervision? – You’re homeschooled. You
don’t know what rules are. – I know I could serve a tennis ball at 150 miles per hour when I was thirteen. – Let’s not make this personal ladies. – Yeah, Celine. – Ugh. – Look what happens when
you defy your elders. (Upbeat music begins) (Amon groans) (kids laugh) – You’re cast. (Bell rings) – Did I hear you joined the track team? – I’m trying it out. – But that Violet girl’s so annoying. – Yeah, she has her moments. – Did you tell any of the other guys yet? – Nah. I’m not missing
any practices or anything. – Well, if you want my perspective, you should stick to the football. Don’t mess up a good thing. – I still can’t get a hold of Rafa. – Even if we get him here, we’re still going to be short one. (fast-paced music begins) – I have my inhaler, I have- – Please! – I don’t understand what the big deal is! – It’s a big deal! Mom and dad don’t- – I wanna run! – Okay, well, you can’t! – I wanna run! – I don’t care! – Let me run! – No! – I wanna run! – Amon, you can’t! What do you want now? – I want Amon to run at
the time trials today. – Oh cool, we don’t
really care what you want. – What about what he wants? – He’s my brother, we’re siblings, we actually care about
someone besides ourselves. But you wouldn’t get that. – I wanna run. (music intensifies) (upbeat music plays) – Still no Rafa? – No, he just texted
saying he was on his way, but he won’t say from where. – We gain one person just to lose another. (Clears throat) – Hi, are you the captain, miss? – Y-Yes, yes, at your service. – Okay, so today is just a baseline to make sure that you have
the minimum number of runners, and that you all can meet the
minimum time requirements. – (in a low voice)
Minimum time requirements? – Don’t worry, they’re not fast. – Okay, I see five, where’s your sixth? – Uh, um, he- – (mutters) That’s a good question. – He’s… – He’s in the bathroom!
Yes, he went there, so… – Okay, we’re gonna start with a mile. (intense music plays) (clapping, cheering, and celebrating) – Okay everybody, calm
down, calm down, okay, I have some good news
and I have some bad news. The good news is that you, sir, just clocked the state
qualifying time just now, so congratulations. (they congratulate him) – Now for the bad news. Okay, you’re still one
event and one runner short. (emotional music plays) You’re going to have to come up with another competitor if you want to qualify
as an official team. – Still no Rafa? – He said he’s stuck in traffic. – Come on Amon, let’s go home. – Could you go in? – Oh, no, no way, no- (they start begging her to run) – I need you. – Ugh fine, how long is
this stupid race anyway?! – 200 meters. – 200 meters?! That sounds long! – Ah come on let’s get you suited up! – Wait- – Rowan’s gonna run! ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Don’t run away ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪ ♪ Far away ♪ – (Narrator) Next up on crazy fast- (intense music plays) – Counties are in one month. – Coach Suzanne called me, said you’re not playing to your potential. – I had an off day – (Beau ) In order to be official, we need a teacher supervisor
in the next two days. – Today is the deadline
to file the paperwork. (dramatic build-up) You do have a teacher advisor, don’t you?
“You there, who the fuck are you?” [Armin]
“Armin Arlert, Sir!“ [Sarge]
“Why the fuck are you here cadet?“ [Armin]
“To contribute to mankind’s victory, Sir!” [Sarge]
“That’s Bullshit! Look at you, I know you play with dolls!” [Armin]
“Well, yes but only for roleplaying revenge fantasies.” [Sarge]
“Shut up fuck-nugget! Ten-Hut!” [Soldier 1]
“What’s the point of intimidating them like that?” [Soldier 2]
“It’s used to be a rite of passage. You know, break them down, build them back up.” “Nowadays though I think it’s progressed into full-blown syphilitic insanity” [Sarge]
“Why the fuck are you so happy twinkle toes?” [Marco]
“I can’t wait to become a soldier and serve the king!” [Sarge]
“Cadet! Do you know why my eyes are so sunken in?” [Marco]
“It’s because I once ejaculated in a man’s ass so hard, that my internal body pressure actually caved and the force of gravity shoved my eyeballs way into the back of my head.” “Now, knowing this, do you have a problem with homosexuals?” [Marco]
“I said: Do you have a problem with homosexuals?!” [Marco]
“No! No, Sir!” [Sarge]
“Well I do! Drop and give my fifty!” “Faggot.” “How about you horse-face!” [Jean]
“I want to live comfortably in the capitol and serve the military police.” [Sarge]
“Wha- What the fuck?” [Sarge]
“Let me tell you cadet, you might not know, but the capitol is home to a bunch of freaks!” “And when it’s 3am inside the inner city and you are drunk and being aggressively solicited by a gaggle of latvian transsexuals hopped up on barbiturates and fuck- thunder YOU DO NOT HAVE TIME TO THINK.” “So next time I yell Headbutt, you haul ass.” [Soldier 2]
“You know he once commanded the Survey Corps, right?” [Soldier 1]
“No I-I had no idea.” [Soldier 2]
“It’s to bad. He used to be a rising star until his famous scandal.” [Soldier 1]
“Wha-What happened?” [Soldier 2]
“Well nobody’s clear on the specifics, but the official record states that he was caught engaged in an act so horrifyingly unique, each witness could only describe it using the same two words.” [Soldier 1]
“What-What were they?” [Soldier 2]
“Munchkin Sodomy.” [Sarge]
“How the fuck are you gonna beat a titan when even I can lift your scrawny ass?” “You think they will not eat you because you’re a midget?” “HA! Look at you. You’re like the Napoleon of cockshame.” “We don’t even issue uniforms in Hobbit size.” “Go back to the Shire and play ass frolic with wizards, Bilbo Dickbreath” [Eating sounds] [Sarge]
“Holy sweet mother of god!” “Cadet! What is your major malfunction?!” [Sasha]
“I-I was hungry.” [Sarge]
“Dear god I sincerely hope you never have sex.” “The thought of you having kids makes me sick!” [Sasha]
“He, don’t be silly, everyone knows you can’t control babies.” “The magical storks decides whether you get one or not.” [Sarge]
“Sweet mother of god, you dumb bitch.” “I do believe you are the stupidest sack of shit I’ve ever seen in my life and I have lived goddamit!” “Cadet, what is your name?” [Sasha]
“Sasha, Sir.” [Sarge]
“Sasha? That sounds like a whore’s name.” “Are you a whore Sasha?” “DO YOU SUCK DICKS FOR MONEY?!” [Sasha]
“No, Sir!” [Sarge]
“Good. Now I hate–” [Sarge]
“Stop eating the potato goddamit!” “Now I hate your fucking name, Sasha, almost as much as I hate you.” “From now on your name is Pile. Am I understood Private Pile?” [Sasha]
“Sir, yes, Sir!” “One question Sir.” “If I share this with you, will you tell me where babies come from?” [Crying] [Eren]
“Wow, forced to run for 6 hours straight and she STILL won’t know where babies come from.” [Connie]
“Maybe I can teach her. Yeah, I’ll give her the full body practical.” [Eren]
“Connie, everybody knows she’d just laugh at your tiny balls.” [Connie]
“Hey! Small potatoes make the meat look bigger.” [Eren]
“Hey look, the failure wagon is leaving.” [All]
“Bye rejects.” [Reject]
“I’m gonna die of dysentery.” [Eren]
“Ha! If they couldn’t handle one day how are they gonna handle titans?” “Hell, me and Armin have already done that.” [Connie]
“Eren, you’ve seen titans?” [Eren]
“Well, yeah, it’s not really something I like talking–” [Mina]
“Eren, you’ve seen titans? That’s SO hot.” [Eren]
“Actually yeah, I totally saw a ton of them. And I almost killed one too.” “And that’s how I murder twenty titans with nothing but my wits, a paperclip and saran wrap.” [Crowd]
“Eren’s such a badass” “Were you scared of the colossal titan?” “Look at the way he slurps his gruhl.” “Please sign my boobs when I reach puberty!” [Eren]
“Yeah, you know I’m kind of a rockstar.” [Mina]
“Was the armoured titan scary?” [Eren]
“No but if you really wanna see something harder than steel you can start by taking that top off.” [Dude]
“What were your mother’s final words?” [Carla]
“My last oral.” [Marco]
“Guys listen, we need to leave him be.” [Eren]
“No.” “Her last words were “So proud”” [Jean]
“Tall tales Yeager-boy.” “So tall it almost dwarves the titans.” [Eren]
“Oh so you’re the fucking comedian.” [Jean]
“You DO know titans only have one weakspot mhhmmm?” “Can you tell us where it is?” [Eren]
“Dude seriously, just let me redeem my trauma-points you fucking asshole.” [Jean]
“Ahaa No worries Yeager-boy, I’m just saying.” “You should join me if you know what’s good for you. Me and my suit vest are destined for great things.” [Suit Vest]
“You’re the best Jean! One day you shall rule.” [Eren]
“You’re fine in that suit vest, huh?” [Suit vest]
“I love you Jean!” [Jean]
“Yes, it was sown by baby seals and soaked in the tears of orphans– or was it the other way around?” [Eren]
“You look like Aladdins walk of shame.” [Jean]
“That’s no way to talk to rich people.” [Eren]
“Get Tay-Sachs.” [Jean]
“Alright, you Pion.” [Bell ringing] [Jean]
“I didn’t come here to make enemies.” “Besides, I can’t afford to dirty my new cufflinks.” “Name’s Jean, it’s french for douchebag.” [Eren]
“Eren, nice to meet you, I guess.” [Jean]
“That’s how the working class shake hands? Less dignified thrust more ghetto blue colour flailing.” [Suit vest]
“You tell it Jean! You’re so wise.” [Jean]
“Such pawns. When I rule–” [Careless Whisper playing] [Careless whisper playing]
“Hello.” [Careless whisper playing] [Careless whisper playing]
“Ahm. My suit vest couldn’t help but notice your long beautiful hair.” [Careless whisper playing] [Careless whisper playing]
“And now it’s telling me to ask you out.” [Careless Whisper stops]
“Wait.” “Dammit suit vest you’ve messed me up again!” “Waaait!” [Eren]
“Jeez, look at your ratty hair Mikasa, it’s getting into the ugly stage again.” “Look at this, chop it off.” “Seriously, it looks like an aviary for dead birds.” “Know what?” “Just put a bag over your head.” “Forever.” [Connie]
“What the hell muchacho?” [Jean]
“I needed to pet something ugly.” [Suit vest]
“Burn the disobedient, BURN them!” [Sasha]
“Well, there’s that and I also brought you some lovely water.” [Sasha]
“Make love to me.” [Krista]
“It’s… literally just food.” [Sasha]
“Seriously what do you want? I’ll fulfill you in ways you didn’t think possible.” [Krista]
“Wait, you’re bi too?” [Sasha]
“Bi? Hungry!” [Krista]
“Tell you what, I’ll supply you with food as long as you wear and do whatever I want at night.” [Sasha]
“Yes, my first slave.” [Ymir]
“Did I just hear a hint of lesbian action?” [Krista]
“Oh no, a third wheel.” [Ymir]
“You know if what I heard is true I’ll tell all the boys at camp.” [Gasp] [Ymir]
“Unless of course you two fulfill my dark desires.” [Krista]
“Well, looks like we can drop the act now.” [Ymir]
“Thank god, I thought those roofies would never kick in.” [Krista]
“But they did and now another joins the coven.” [Sarge]
“Good morning you Muppets.” “Today we have our first training.” “Trapeze.” “You cock sprinkles are gonna love this.” “Finally you get a chance to show off how fucking gay you are while hanging gracefully in the air.” “This better look like riverdance performed by broadway’s finest homosexuals.” “I wanna see you fairies sparkle and shit glitterdust while balancing.” “If this doesn’t look like Peter fucking Pan performed by the cast of cirque du soleil on a homoerotic ecstasy fueled cruise ship so help me GOD I will personally murder each and every single one of you.” [Soldier 2]
“Yes! Look at her.” “Look at the way her body hangs there.” “Limb, bored, uninterested.” “Everything I like in a woman.” [Soldier 1]
“What about that one?” [Eren, thinking]
“No, no, no!” [Sarge]
“Eren Jeager you effusive cock sprout. “What are you doing?” “Get yourself up right this instant.” [Eren, thinking]
“No. No, no!” Proficient operators of 3D Manuever Gear learn to piss themselves rather than spend several hours trying to undo all these straps. Adderall and other stimulants are great for learning how to operate 3D Manuever Gear [Mikasa]
“You can do it Eren. Just focus on your center when the ropes start to pull.” [Armin]
“Yeah, it’s not to hard if you concentrate.” [Eren]
“Jeez, even you can do this Armin? What’s the secret?” [Armin]
“Well, uh… I actually have a natural advantage when it comes to this.” [Eren]
“I– uh… I used to really experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.” [Eren]
“Just take me up.” [Connie laughing] [More people laughing] [Eren]
“I can’t believe it. They’re gonna put me on the failure wagon!” [Armin]
“It’s ok Eren, typhoid fever isn’t that bad.” [Eren]
“Oh, this is so humiliating. I don’t know how to handle this. This is the worst.” [Mikasa]
“Oh grow a pair.” “You think you have it bad? Imagine being the only asian here.” “The girls in the dorm literally asked me if I knew karate the other day.” [Armin]
“Do you?” [Mikasa]
“Shut up Armin.” “You have it so easy. You wanna know humiliation?” “If you fail the test tomorrow I’ll tell everyone about mom.” [Eren]
“Think of the jeers.” “Think of the embarrassment.” [Eren]
“No you dirty bitch! This is low even–” [Mikasa]
“Than make it work!” “Feeling motivated?” “Because I am NOT dealing with these ignorant white bitches without my brother to support me.” [Eren]
“I hope these little girls stick chopsticks in your eyes.” [Mikasa]
“Good. Now get ready for tomorrow.” [Bell ringing] [Mikasa]
“Alright Eren, I was being to mean.” “I really do care about you, in ways deeper than you kno–” “Bitch if you tell anybody I SWEAR I’ll kill you.” [Sasha]
“Can I just have your food?” [Careless whisper playing] [Eren]
“Guys, come on! You gotta help me!” [Connie]
“Hehehe, what’s wrong Yeager?” “Mommy never pushed you on the swing?” “To busy gulping down the bottle?” [Jean & Connie laughing] [Eren]
“Hey guys, my name is Eren.” [Berth]
“My name is Berth.” [Eren]
“Ha! Haha, like the fucking muppet?” [Berth]
“Dude, we don’t talk to Berth.” “So you’re Eren and you’re…” [Careless Whisper playing]
“Whow, who’s this babe you’re with Yeager?” [Careless whisper playing]
“That’s Armin and he’s not a girl!” [Careless whisper playing]
“Hey there Armeen, so what do you like to do?” [Careless Whisper stops]
“I like to read!” [Reiner]
“…Uh, ok. Why?” [Armin]
“Because books teach me useful things!” [Reiner]
“Like what?” [Armin]
“I’m glad you asked, I’ve got many examples.” “For instance, did you know that if you electrocute someone while holding them underwater, it will leave no burn marks on the body?” [Reiner]
“You do now!” “And that’s the power of knowledge.” [Reiner]
“So, like, you wanna take a bath?” “Together?” [Armin]
“Can I bring an industrial strength toaster?” [Eren]
“Guys, come on! I still need your help.” [Reiner]
“Oh, right.” “Well, I don’t know if I can really give you any tips, but uh, you wanna do some shrooms?” [Armin]
“FUCK YES!” [Berth]
“Guys, we’re- we’re on a journey. I mean guys, guys! Look at your fingers. How weird is that shit?” [Berth talking in background]
“Dude, like, so Berth decided he wanted to become a soldier because he saw people getting devoured alive.” [Eren]
“Whoa man, that’s super real.” [Reiner]
“Yeah I know right?” “I was like “Dude chill I just came here for the babes”” “And let me say–” “Whoa holy shit dude, check out this fucking caterpillar.” “He’s just sitting on his leaf like” “Fuck Yeah, I’m a caterpillar. Gonna turn into a butterfly. Look at me”” [Berth]
“Everyone, look at the trees!” [Berth talking in background]
“We should collect it.” [Reiner]
“Armeen, I still like you, but fuck no we’re not collecting that caterpillar.” [Berth]
“-And that’s what makes me the tree man!” [Eren]
“Wow, this is beautiful.” [Reiner]
“Yeah bro. Check out the vibes. This is my zone of me.” [Eren]
“I feel attuned with my soul.” [Reiner]
“Eren, I’m telling you, you lift heavy, eat your multis and stay alpha.” “You’re gonna rock the show tomorrow.” “Poundtown brother.” [Eren]
“What’s Poundtown?” [Reiner]
“Poundtown.” [Sarge growling] [Sarge]
“Pull him up.” [Eren, thinking]
“I can do this!” [Gasps] [Eren, thinking]
“Yes! I’m doing it! It’s really happening!” [Crowd]
“Hurray!” “The legends real.” “Way to achieve basic competence!” [Eren]
“No, I can do it!” “Don’t send me on the gorgon trail!” [Sarge]
“Eren, your belt buckle is unfastened.” [Eren]
“Wait, really?” [Sarge]
“Did you not know you need to fasten the buckle before wearing a belt?” [Eren]
“Uh, no but–” [Sarge]
“Thomas, show Eren Yeager how to buckle his belt.” [Eren]
“I can do it now!” [Sarge]
“Did you honestly not fucking know how to wear a belt before you came in here?” “Seriously, look at this. LOOK you dumb motherfucker it’s the easiest fucking thing to do.” “How the FUCK did you not know how to buckle a belt?!” [Crowd]
“Eren Jeager’s a dumbass!” “Yeah he is.” [Sarge]
“How could you be so fucking stupid?” “You’re giving Private Pile a run for her money and until today I could have sworn that that was a task no man could do.” “You’ve truly opened my eyes Eren Yeager.” “Opened them to how fucking stupid and low-down son of a bitch stupid like you can be.” “Isn’t that right Private Pile?” [Sasha]
“Sir, yes, Sir!” [Sarge]
“Shut the fuck up Private Pile!” “Eren Yeager you are a failure of colossal magnitude and possibly the DUMBEST son of a bitch I’ve ever seen next to Pile.” “Huh, but you pass.” [Eren]
“Yes! Yes! Fuck yes!” “Look at that Mikasa! Look!” “Fuck you and your fat stupid face.” “You bitch!” “Now nobody will know my mom was a whore!” [Crowd]
“Wait what?” “What?” “What was that?” “Eren’s mama was a whore?” [Eren]
♪♪ Man: ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪ [ Horn honks ] Morty! Morty-y-y-y! Ohh. Oh, Rick? Get the car, Morty!
Get in the car! Aw, Rick, I was asleep. I was having a little
Morty sleep. Morty,
get in the damn car now! Get in here!
-Aw, why? Get in the fucking car,
Morty! He’s not coming with you!
Leave him alone! I’m calling the police.
I’m calling the police. He’s sick of it.
He’s sick of the adventures. Get in the fucking car,
Morty! You leave
my brother alone. -Get out of here.
-You leave him alone! -Get in the car, Morty.
-Get out of here. Get in the car. -[ Groaning ]
-[ Screams ] Aw, what’s going on, Rick?
What’s happening? We’re going on
an adventure, Morty. Classic Rick and Morty
bushland adventure. We’re gonna go for a drive.
Big ole drive, Morty. Eight-hour drive.
-Eight hours? Wh– what do ya mean?
W-where are we going? Morty, we’re gonna go
get me cube. We’ve got to go to Bendigo
to get me green cube. We’re gonna go
to Bendigo, Morty. Aw, Rick, Bendigo?
Isn’t that 12 hours away? Morty, check it out. I did some science
to me portal gun, and now it’s also
a real gun. I’ve got a real gun,
Morty. Why are you holding it
to my head, Rick? Morty,
shut the fuck up. I’m gonna kill you today,
Morty. You’re actually gonna die. I’m gonna blow your head off.
-Aw, Rick, please. If this is a prank,
it’s not funny, all right? Could you please just stop
the car and let me out? It’s actually starting
to scare me a lot now. Shut the fuck up,
Morty! Shut the fuck up! I’m so tired of you. All you do is winge
and complain. It’s really getting
on my nerves, Morty! I’m gonna kill you and then
I’m gonna kill myself. I’m gonna drive this car off
a cliff, and we’re gonna die. We’re gonna die, Morty! Aw, Rick, I don’t wanna die.
I-I don’t wanna die. We’re gonna die, Morty.
We’re gonna die today. We’re actually gonna die. Aw, no, Rick, aw. Wait one sec. We gotta go
get some petrol first. [ Tires screech ] Morty,
while I fill up the tank go get some chips
and shit for the drive. Get a paddle pub, Morty. Just these and the petrol
for pump 4, thanks. Sir, if you want, you can buy
two of these for only $1 extra. Aw, nah.
Just this, thanks. You can get a bottle of water
from the fridge, 50 cents extra. No thank you. Do you have
a rewards card, sir? Oh, nah, just — just wanna
buy this stuff, thanks. Morty, what’s taking so long?! Aw, I’m — I’m stuck.
I can’t leave. Oh, my God!
You just killed him, Rick! He’s a bureaucrat, Morty.
I-I don’t respect him. Um, Rick, I think
you’ve said that before. That’s out of context here.
-Nah! [ Engine starts ] Oh, no!
I filled it with diesel! Oh, shit! Agh! [ Grunting ] Aw, the car’s dead,
-There’s nothing we can do. We gotta walk, Morty.
We gotta walk to Bendigo. It’s gonna be eight days, Morty.
-Eight days? Eight days to Bendigo
to get me cube. -Aw.
-Eight long days, Morty. This is our
walking-along-the-highway Rick-and-Morty adventure! Rick, I’ve really got to go pee.
Where can I go? Aw, don’t worry your cute
little Morty head, Morty, I’ll take you to
the bush dimension. You can pee
behind a tree there. We’re in the bloody
bush dimension, Morty. You can pee here. Go behind that tree there,
Morty. That one. That tree. Do it. Yay, Morty. Yay. Okay, don’t look. -Ow! A snake bit me.
-What? A snake bit my penis,
Rick. Oh, no. I’ve got to suck
your penis Morty. I’ve got to suck your
little Morty penis to get
the venom out now. What?
But you’re my granddad. Aw, come on, Morty.
Just one little suck. It’ll save your life.
-I-I don’t know, Rick. Isn’t there another way? Nope. Sorry, Morty.
It’s the only way. I’ve got to suck
your little Morty penis Oh, the venom’s
really starting to hurt. Don’t worry, Morty. I know a guy
in the bush dimension who will be able
to help us. We’ll go see him.
Old Mate Dougie the bush wizard. Let’s go!
-[ Groaning ] ♪♪ G’day, Rick. Wubba-lubba-dub-dubz. -Dad?
-N-no? Um… Awkward turtle. So how’s it goin’,
Dougie? Me Morty got bitten
by a snake. Anythin’ you can do? Aw, yeah, one sec.
Let me check my bag. P-p-put this —
put this on your cock What? P-put the Witchetty grub
on your cock Why? Ugh, just put the Witchetty grub
on your cock Morty. Aw, geez, I don’t know. What are you, racist? Just put the Witchetty
grub on your cock Put the Witchetty grub
on your cock [ Sighs ]
Okay, fine. I’ll put it on there,
I guess. [ Chuckles ] Put the
Witchetty grub on your cock Uh, okay. What now? [ Both snicker ] Morty, you’re so gullible,
-We just pranked ya. That’s not a bush wizard,
That’s your dad. Yeah, I knew that. Shut up, Morty.
You didn’t know. Had no idea. We made ya put Witchetty grub
on your naked cock What about the snake venom? Ah, it was an earthworm, you idiot.
God, you’re dumb. What? No.
It was a snake. It bit me. Oi, Jerry, jazzy boy. We’ve gotta go to Bendigo.
Can you help us out? Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah. Can’t take —
can’t take yous to Bendigo, nah. I can take yous
to Uncle Barry, though. He can take you there. Aw, yeah, of course.
Uncle Barry. Yeah, take us to him,
that’d be great. [ Chanting ] [ Thunder crashing ] Right. See ya later, boys. Oh, I bumped my head. Get in the wombat hole,
Morty. Welcome to the ancient
bush cave of Uncle Barry. Gulla-gulla-gulla-gulla-
gulla- gulla-gulla. -Oh, yeah?
-Ow. He put fire ants
in my hand. -Nah, I didn’t.
-They’re right there. You can see them.
-Shh! You’re being rude, Morty.
They’re goblins. Kick the ball. Kick the bloody ball.
-Uncle Barry? Yeah, mate, that’s me.
And who am I speaking to? Name’s Rick.
Dougie sent me. Look, I don’t know who you are,
but you look like a top bloke. And I know
this is weird to say but I feel a strong bond
between us. Yeah, I don’t know
what it is. I-I’ve only known you
for 15 seconds, but it feels like 15 years. Grab a fucking stubby, mate.
You’re a damn legend. Charlene, bring these
ripper legends some stubbies and a pack of menthols! Sick. Kick the ba-a-a-ll. Yeah,
kick the bloody ball. So where yous off to? Me and me mate Morty here
have to get to Bendigo, get a green cube. Dougie said
you could help. Bendigo? Yeah, I-I can take
yous to Bendigo. Actually, you know what? I’ve gotta go get me
wheel alignment done there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No worries.
I’ll take you to Bendigo. We can go in the ute
after the footy. Aw, sweet azz. See, Morty, things are
gonna be all right. We’re going to Bendigo! Wait a second.
Who the hell are yous? What? Oh, no,
his dementia’s playing up. Uncle Barry’s
got dementia. How’d yous get into my house?
I don’t know who yous are. Barry, it’s Rick
and Morty, remember? You just met them.
Calm down! I ain’t calmin’ down
for no one. I don’t know these blokes. I’ve never met them
in me life. Get out!
Get out of my house! [ Grunts ] Oh, str–
Rick and Morty is over. Uncle Barry’s off
his bloody rocker. Help me, Morty! [ Grunts ] Ohhh, me hubby’s dead. Morty, you saved me.
You saved me life. Ohhh, I’m sorry, Rick. I didn’t mean
to kill Uncle Barry. It was an accident. Morty, I know I sometimes
play pranks on you like getting Dougie to put a Witchetty grub
on your little sausage, but you are a true-blue
Australian hero, mate. And I wouldn’t go on
these crazy Bushland adventures with anyone else. I love ya, Morty. Oh, this is real love. [ Horn honks ]
Wait. Don’t tell me. It’s me. Uncle Barry. My dead soul floated
right into the bloody ute. Can you believe it?
I’m ute Uncle Barry! -Un-fuckin-believable.
-Me husband’s a bloody ute. Hop in, boys.
We’re going to Bendigo. -Yes!
-Yes! ♪♪ Guys,
I’m not gonna lie. The last few weeks
have been a bit rough for me. I’ve gone through
some bad personal stuff. But when you two came
and yous killed me, and me soul went
into the family ute, I feel like I’ve
become a new man. I think things are finally
looking up for Uncle Barry. Bazzer, you bloody legend.
See you round, mate. Right-o.
Take care of yourselves, Rick and Morty-y-y-y-y! Ahhh, Bendigo.
Beautiful Bendigo. Yeah, Bendigo. Ahhh. What do you see
around you, Morty? I see… trees, scrubs, n-nothing really. So…where’s the cube? I don’t know. You’re the one
that said it was in Bendigo. What the fuck are you
talking about, Morty? I never said that. What do you mean?
Why are we here then? I don’t know.
I was following you, Morty. ♪♪ Man:
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪
For the first time ever, all four of us will be competing
at the same time. We’ll be sitting in a waiting
room among strangers, secretly trying to
make each other laugh. If you laugh,
you’re eliminated. And the last man standing
will win. ♪♪ [ Cellphone beeping ] [ Whispering ]
2… …4… Representative. Representative. Erectile dysfunction. Erec– Erectile dysfunction. Call back. I’m sorry. Hmm. Hmm. Ah. Hmm. Sorry about that. [ Zipper zips ] Sexy selfie. [ Camera shutter clicks,
camera whirs ] Multiracial selfie. [ Camera shutter clicks,
camera whirs ] [ Belches ] Excuse me.
[ Belches ] You guys all waiting
for a photo shoot, too? -Yeah.
-What do you guys do? Uh, I write. What do you do? If anybody
wants my card. I’m a [bleep] doctor. [ Laughs ] I’m a good gyne. [ Buzzer ] ♪♪ “[Bleep] doctor.” And my whole bag of props,
useless now ’cause he pulled out
“[bleep] doctor.” Damn it. Have you been at your craft
a long time? Six years now.
I’m 40, so it took a while. There was a lot of school. It’s been my experience, you never end up
where you started off at. Yeah, my degree
was finance. Finance? [ Wood knocking ] Sorry? I had an accounting degree
coming out of college, but I don’t do it anymore. [ Laughs ] I was a CPA for a while. Then I got into sales. How’s that working out? It’s great. [ Q laughs ] [ Laughs ] [ Buzzer ]
Q: There you go. Sal’s out. Come on down! Damn it. Two dogs humping?
I thought it was — First of all, your ponytail almost eliminated me
from the walk in. [ Laughs ]
I know. I saw that. Sal:
And then there were two. Uh-oh. Q: [ Laughs ] Did he just fart? Man: Hey.
Are you all right? Yes. I slipped
on the stupid pencils. Q: Oh, you’ve got
to get up and — [ Laughter ] [ Murr laughs ] [ Buzzer ] Q: Oh, Murray’s out! Gatto takes it
with an ass to the face! What an ending! [ Laughter ] Today, we’re getting people’s
opinions about New York City, but the real people
getting docked is us. While giving the survey, the other guys will be
behind that glass wall that becomes see-through
at the flip of a switch. The goal is not to laugh, but when that glass
becomes see-through — Whoo!
Good luck with that. ♪♪ Sal: Right now, you have
a black T-shirt on with a sports jacket
and long hair and scruff. This is what middle-aged
hip looks like, man. I’d like to say
it looks good on you. Eh, you’d like to. I’d like to. [ Laughter ] Murr: Here we go. Fellas. You starting it off? I’m starting it off. All right, Joe. Go give them hell. All right. Name three pros and cons about living
in or near New York City. Um, the pros, you know,
entertainment all over. Murr: What is that?
What is that? Public transit,
you know, really… Where I live,
you kind of need a car, but it’s not necessary. I mean, there are buses
and stuff, so… It’s Joe
being born out of an egg. Um… I don’t think
it’s really too — And it’s kind of dirty,
but nobody thinks it’s — [ Laughter ] Something back there? No, no. There’s a damn fly that’s
been going around all day. Okay, that’s hysterical. We cracked up.
He did a hard smile. Really? He just smiled. He didn’t break. Damn. Describe
your dream apartment. Here we go. Here we go.
Here we go. Well, um, you can get anywhere
quickly by transit. ♪♪ [ Laughter ] Murr: It’s all of
Q’s firemen buddies! [ Laughter ] [ Laughs ] Lots of space, you know? Joe: That’s a laugh. Something like that. Q: Downtown,
they do a lot of that. There is some weird [bleep]
going on in New York City. Got him! Describe Prospect Park. What I like about it most
is that, well, they have
the summer concert
in the summer. [ Laughter ] They have the, like,
bands that play there, so I’ve gone there
for that. Joe: This is our good friend
Bryan Johnson. He’s from the TV show
“Comic Book Men.” Sal: By the way,
he brought his own shorts. That’s true. The, uh —
what’s the — do you understand
the alternate is to laugh? Joe: Yeah! Murr: Got you! Do you understand the alternate side of the street
parking rule at all in New York City? ‘Cause I don’t. I don’t know what’s going on
sometimes. [ Cheers and applause ] Joe: He’s done! ♪♪ ♪♪ I read online
that you could eat it. My favorite snack now. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ Vomit. ♪♪ That’s great. That’s like the “Where’s
the Beef” from the ’80s. I’m the beef.
Yeah. Where’d you get that? This? Jersey Shore. That’s a great shirt. I’m sorry, is there a bathroom
here that I can use? It’s like
straight down. Down that hallway?
Great, thanks. Appreciate it. [ Whirring ] That is cool. That is so cool. ♪♪ Sorry. [ Stifled laughter ] [ Buzzer ] [ Sighs ] [ Buzzer ] Where did you
get that thing? What’s that? What is that thing? It’s great, right?
It’s luggage. Damn it. Damn it. Yeah, it’s called the Modobag. It’s great. Can’t believe
he did that. Modobag? M-O-D-O.
Yeah. [Bleep] you for riding off
on a bag. Hey, how’s it going,
good to see you, pal. -All right, I’m going first.
-Yeah, go get them. Okay. Could you tell me a memory that you have with a pet? I had a dog named Pep. Did you have responsibilities
like change the litter box? Always change the litter box,
walk the dog, clean up after them,
as far as their living quarters. And did you ever go
to a pet park with them? No. No? No. Never?
Okay. No, man. [ Laughs ]
You never got to, huh? [ Laughter ] We got him! I like kittens. Do you agree
that some things, when they’re little,
they’re cute, and then when they grow up,
they turn really ugly? Like a baby ferret,
for instance. No. No. You got the reverse. That’s great. All right, I’m out. Take me through a shopping
experience for you for clothing. I look for things that
I probably say that I like, but not
necessarily very pricey. I’m not interested
in paying more than I need to for something
that nobody’s gonna know it’s a Gucci shirt
or a Van Heusen shirt. If you’re spending more than
50 bucks for this shirt… Yeah, if you spend that much,
you’re a turkey. [ Laughter ] That’s a laugh.
That’s a laugh. [ Laughing ] …maybe I’ll go
a little bit high, but like I said,
I’m not going to… [ Laughs ] Okay, you want
to talk me through going to
the grocery store? Looking for whatever
sales are there. That’s the first thing I always
look for anytime I go somewhere. Q: Oh, what’s this? Wanting to find out
what selection’s on Monday, Wednesday,
and then Friday… Turn over. It’s every two or three days
I go and constantly… [ Laughs ] Usually, it’s the — yeah. Yeah, Joe, he — [ Laughs ] [ Speaking indistinctly ] [ Laughs ] That’s a laugh!
That’s a laugh. [ Laughs ] Oh, man. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ I got a pizza delivery
for a Tanka Jahari? I’m Tanka Jahari, but I would…never order
a whole pizza for myself. I mean,
I’ll take it, but… Here. I mean, you guys
have to believe me. I would never order a whole
pizza just for myself. No. It’s, like, totally not mine,
but I am Tanka Jahari. I mean, I don’t even —
it’s not even my pizza. I don’t even — Oh.
It’s not my pizza. I would never eat
a whole pizza by myself. I would never even eat it.
I would never eat… I’m not gonna, like, not —
not waste food, though. That’s fine, Tanka. [ Sal laughs ] Well, I’m sorry.
Made a mess. It’s not my fault! ♪♪ [ Sighs ] They could get more
comfortable chairs. Joe had to call me Tanka. I get — get bit
by my own joke. ♪♪ I’m fascinated
by the glass. When we thought of this bit, we had no idea
this technology existed. Is that, like, ions? Is that negatively
charged ions? I think it’s magic. [ Laughter ] -Hello. Hi.
-Yeah. Oh, please, have a seat,
Elizabeth. How are you today?
-Good. So, I’ll just be
asking you questions. Let’s go. Where are you from? I grew up in St. Louis. You live
in New York City? Yeah,
so I’m based here now. So, tell me about
your daily eating habits. They’ve gotten better. I used to eat
more junk food. [ Breathing deeply ] You go — you shop in
the same place every week? Yeah, I go —
I have this — I like Italian
at this one place. [ Traditional Japanese
music plays ] That’s just namaste. What social-media sites
are you a member of? Twitter, facebook. -Do you have cable?
-I do. How long have
you had cable for? Um, gosh. Since, like, college. So I always had
a cable Internet connection. I’m a techie,
so, like, I hook — instead of having,
like, cable… Murr: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ Laughter ] [ Laughs ] Sorry.
Do you prefer to shop alone or with someone? Don’t do that. Don’t turn around.
Don’t. Like, shopping sucks
-Sorry. There’s a fly. -Oh.
-There’s — a bug got in here. It looked like it was gonna
land on your head. I didn’t…
-Okay. [ Laughs ] -Wow!
-Yeah, I prefer to shop alone. Things are getting real
in here. [ Laughter ] All right, you guys are up. So, luxury brands. So, I had a wallet before
this one, and then, once I had that one
for five years, then I got a new one. So I kind of like
stick with it. -Okay.
-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God. Do your friends use it? Sal:
[ Laughing ] Oh, my God. Do — I mean, not, like,
often, like, I guess, economically speaking,
they don’t have the same, I guess,
income resources as I do. So I think they would love to
if they could afford it. Movies — we didn’t talk
about movies yet, right? Thank God. [ Laughing ]
How did you not laugh? Okay, how often
do you go to the movies? It’s usually, I mean,
twice a month… It’s — it’s Godzilla! …or as much
as once a week. -Oh, my God!
-Aaah! Uh… What’s the last movie
you saw? [ Laughter and applause ] -Aaaah!
-Aaaah! “Wolf of Wall Street.” [ Laughter ] [ Laughs ] [ Buzzer ] [ Laughing ]
-He’s laughing. ♪♪ [ Woman laughs ] A Shake Weight? I ain’t seen one of them
in a long time. They started selling them again.
They’re back. They actually make a bigger one,
too, so it’s… ♪♪ I just do it
when I’m in my waiting rooms. It’s how I get the toned. ♪♪ That’s all it takes —
three minutes a day. It’s good to have
a regimen, though. Woman: Yeah. ♪♪ ♪♪ Woman: Oh, my God. ♪♪ It’s yogurt. It’s an odd choice
to eat out of your fly. I’ll save it for later. ♪♪ [ Cellphone rings ] Oh. That time. ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Laughs ] ♪♪ [ Buzzer ] I’m not staying here anymore. [ Exhales sharply ] ♪♪ Woman: Okay. The hell did I lose again? Do one minute
every three days, yeah, and that’s how I keep
this physique. ♪♪ Q:
Sal brought a human prop? [ Laughs ] [ Child cries ] Woman: That’s your kid? [ Crying ] Q: [ Laughs ] Murr: It’s okay, buddy,
it’s okay. [ Crying ] It’s okay. Q: Sal, you’re gonna make
yourself laugh, you stupid ass! [ Laughs ] You made yourself laugh,
you moron! [ Laughing ] I kamikazed it. ♪♪ Oh, man,
that was unbelievable. [ Laughs ] [ Laughing ]
I got myself… I couldn’t take it. The kid started crying. And now he has to go
the rest of term with a child on his lap? [ Laughs ] His next thing,
he has to do with the kid. Q: Look at those nipples. [ Both laugh ] Sal: Look at Joe’s face —
Joe’s face. Is that amusement?
Is it disgust? Is it bewilderment?
What is that? [ Cellphone rings ] -Ohp.
-Oh, no. Please, God, no. ♪♪ [ Laughs ] ♪♪ Where the [bleep]
are you going? [ Both laugh ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] [ Sneezes ] [ Laughter ] I eat a half an apple
every four days. [ Both laugh ] Today, we’re at Focus Plus
competing head to head in a focus group as participants
answering a questionnaire. Here’s the catch — the guys
participating in the focus group have written the answers
for each other. At the end, we’ll ask the group to vote on whose answers
were the worst. If the group votes you out,
you lose. [ Laughter ] How you guys doing? Murr: This is our buddy James McCarthy. He is the moderator of this focus group today. Now, Sal wrote
all Joe’s answers, Joe wrote
all Sal’s answers. And the group is gonna vote who they would not have back in the next group. Here we go. Imagine you’re starting
a city from scratch… Jennifer, what’d you have? Joe? Um… I put the man
that made birth control. [ Laughter ] Don’t know his name, but I’m pretty sure
it was a man. But I know his work. [ Laughter ] Q: Look at Sal! Start back down here. I put toothless tigers,
um, could roam the streets so that kids can pet them
and then they can’t bite or anything like that. -What?!
-[ Laughs ] How do you
get their teeth out? A grown tiger’s teeth —
You just pull them? Thank you, yeah. Get her on board. -Joe?
-I would do… I’d have
some serial killer go off, then later,
when things die down — pun intended —
we’d do murder tours. [ Laughs ] What?! I know mine
was outside the box, but to have a serial killer
just go off? Well, it’s really a means to an
end ’cause you really want that. There goes Joe. You really want
that murder-tour money. -[ Laughs ]
-You might not have the funds… Joe looks like a serial killer right now. He does.
Look at his eyes. …knowledge
or with great… [ Laughter ] Sal? I put mostly nice people
but a few bums, too, probably. [ Laughter ] Jennifer? Joe? Of course, I thought
hopefully it’s a melting pot. I’d like to know people
of other races — Indian, Asian, African,
South American, Antarctican, Puerto Rican,
and women. And I thought also
it might be cool to have some winners
of “The Voice” there. Q: [ Laughs ] Sal’s losing it. -Look at Sal.
-Sal’s losing it! [ Laughter ] Tears just
right down his face. You wrote it. How could you find it — ‘Cause hearing Joe say it is
a different thing, right? Karen… Offer them
affordable housing. Fantastic. Joe? The first thing
that came to my mind was I would burn
a neighboring city. Q: [ Laughs ] -Sal.
-Sal. The other thing, actually, is I was thinking, like, a steaming,
giant pile of baked ziti in the center of town. -Of what? Of what?
-Baked ziti. Like a big thing of baked ziti,
Mike, and everybody
could just come and eat it. Murr: [ Laughs ] Sal, what would you do to encourage people
to move to your city? I would have elective
arranged marriage program for hopeless singles
over 33 years old. You love it? Oh, my God! They love Sal’s ideas. Yeah.
He seems so sensitive. -Yeah, well, he was crying.
-And he was crying. [ Both laugh ] James: Great,
so what we’re gonna do now — I just need you guys
to write down the name of the person you would not
bring with you to the city you’d build. I think Joe’s getting voted out. [ Chuckling ]
Yeah, I think so. So, the person the group
wouldn’t bring is… Joe. -[ Laughs ]
-Wow. Nice job, Sal.
Good answers. Nice job, buddy. [ Ding! ] Very good. [ Buzzer ] All right, if you liked —
if you like that, you’re gonna love
“In the Dog House.” A former salesman
with an eating disorder has his life ruined
when his foreign — when his foreign wife can’t stop bringing home bichon
frises and spending money, driving him into madness and murdering
in this harrowing drama. [ Laughing ] It’s Joe!
It’s a description of Joe! -This sounds like —
-My life. I probably would watch it.
Is it a comedy? Make no mistake — there’s
nothing funny about this one. Yeah, this is just
a straight-up drama. [ Both laugh ] You’re up.
I’m gonna take a little time. It’s called “Chillin’
With Mr. Broadway,” and it’s
a multi-cam comedy which brings Morgan Freeman
back to series television as a mythical and mystical
Lord of Broadway. Each episode deals with… [ Laughing ] [ Laughs ]
Continue. [ Laughter ] -Go ahead. It’s great.
-I wanna hear it. Each episode deals
with the Lord of — [ Laughing ] -Hold on.
-Wait for it. [ Laughter ] He’s gone! -Here, I’ll help you out.
-I can’t even read it! Each episode deals
with the Lord of Broadway’s ever-growing harem
of chorus girl and choir boys, in which he secretly
controls New York City’s
financial nucleus. [ Both laugh ] That makes no sense. It’s Morgan Freeman.
You can’t beat. I mean, Morgan Freeman’s
played those kind of roles the last 20 years. Yeah, he plays good roles. [ Both laugh ] So, if you had to pick one, who would you say has
the more marketable ideas? I’m gonna go with yours. Mine? Okay. -Tiebreaker.
-Yeah, yours. Me? Oh, that’s me! Oh, you got one, though. Murr: Joe wins. How you doing?
Joe. Murr: Now,
Joey’s traditionally been very, very good
at this game, right? [ Sighs ] I don’t give a [bleep]
what he’s been. [ Laughter ] Tell me a little bit
about food availability in your neighborhood. Murr:
Here we go, Joey. Just things have changed,
and it’s, like, how many restaurants
that come in and out. Murr: Oh. Oh! I mean,
it’s a pretty good bar area, so they have,
like, the… Murr: It’s our friend
Rob Emmerett. [ Laughter ] And plus, also just living
on the Lower East Side, like, there are
so many things that are just open
late at night. [ Laughter ] Do you normally
have delivery or — You see Rob always
brings the goods. Okay, and talk to me
about breakfast. So, breakfast,
do you… Joe just asked
the hard-hitting question, “Talk to me
about breakfast.” [ Laughter ] I find myself usually
going to brunch in, like, East Village, that, like,
kind of SoHo area, and it has
some healthy options and… [ Laughter ] Murr:
Oh, my God! Okay,
brunch is good. Just, like,
an egg dish or — Murr: Wow. Joe, look at
the middle lady. Oh, my God! [ Laughter ] Who eats a hot dog
like that? Avocado toast with like — I’m a big fan of — I just recently
got into the avocado toast. How did he not laugh? Yeah, he didn’t laugh. Okay, so talk to me
about lunch. Lunch? [ Laughter ] All right. We’re sending
the big gun — our big gun. Well, I love it
just ’cause it’s so close to me. Like… Q: Oh, it’s Simmy! That is
Simmy Kustanowitz, the network executive
from truTV. Well, it’s at my favorite venue,
Bowery Ballroom, and then
the time before that, I saw Maren Morris,
who’s, like, a country singer. Oh! Is he gonna share
the doughnut with you, Joe? Went to the Grammys. Oh! Joe gets no doughnut.
No doughnut! Oh, no! …’cause it’s so small and,
like, intimate so you can — Talk to me
about snacks. [ Laughter ] Hey, Sal, this is what the kids
call a walk in the park. We have to get you to laugh. [ Laughter ] You guys all talk a good game. You all keep talking
this good game. -All right.
-You watch. Look at me. -Ready?
-Yeah. Watch this. -Ooh.
-Ohh. -All right.
-Ohh! Fart noise. [ Laughs ] [ Laughter ] I didn’t even make
the fart noise. I said the words
“fart noise.” That’s what was funny
about it. Hey, how are you, bud? What’s going on?
My name’s Sal. Zachary?
Pleasure to meet you. Let me go help this guy. Yeah, go get him, Tiger. How often do you feel
the need to update your software and things like that kind of stuff? I mean, I have a laptop,
but I really don’t use it anymore because of
the new technology… -Right.
-…like the smartphones and things like that.
It’s just… As far as — sorry. I’m trying to think,
’cause we go through all the things
we have. Oh, it’s not over yet,
buddy. This is gonna haunt
your dreams, my friend. Talk to me about your opinions
on the subway system. Depending on public
transportation, as far as — there’s
a lot of idiotic people that’s on the train
that does stupid things just to hold
the train door, so… [ Laughs ] …for no reason at all. [ Coughs ] They have nothing better
to do or anywhere — anywhere else to go. -Oh, my God!
-I know. [ Laughs ] Ohh! They do have good plans
for public transportation -and a good…
-Oh, my God! Subway system sucks. Yeah, the train is horrible. The train is awful. Yeah, as far as getting around
to the, like, different boroughs. I’m next. Let’s see what
I got up my sleeve. Just please elaborate on… Q has guaranteed us
that he’s got this. I trust him. -He’s got it.
-He’s got it. Do you online bank? -Yes, I do.
-Okay. [ Wagner’s “Bridal Chorus”
plays ] [ Laughs ] Joe: It’s your father… marrying Q! He’s not giving him away. [ Laughter ] Aah! You may now kiss the bride! [ Laughter ] Oh, we’re done.
We’re done here. We’re done here. [ Buzzer ] [ Laughter and applause ] -It’s all right.
-You know, you usually laugh the hardest when you’re not
supposed to laugh, right? That’s right. Sometimes we just
can’t stop laughing. We can’t hold
it together. We put together a couple clips for you of us all breaking. Let’s take a look. How many of these can you fit — [ Laughs ] [ Laughing ] How long
are you in town? How long are you in town? I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!
[ Laughing ] “The most private things I’d like to admit is… my breath smells
like fingers.” [ Laughing ] Keep it together.
Keep it together. [ Laughter ]
He can’t keep it together. [ Laughter ] Ow!
[ Laughs ] [ Laughing ] “Other ways to lose your
identitties.” There — there’s a… [ Laughing ] I can’t do it. I can’t — I can’t do it. I can’t do it.
I can’t do it. There’s the Deluca boy. [ Laughs ]
I’m sorry. You want to come on, man? What?
Sal’s gone. We doggies, don’t you know? [ Laughter ] Yes. Here we go. That is… [ Laughs ] It looks like… me stepping on Chinese children. [ Sniffles ] I just got emotional. We’ve known
each other 24 years now. That was the hardest I think
I’ve ever seen you laugh. You have the thing
in your ear, too, and everybody’s
laughing in your ear. That’s what you guys maybe don’t
get at home, I guess. -Right, right.
-‘Cause, like, I hear you guys laughing in that,
as well. See, I usually hear you guys
laughing at me. [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, yeah. We laugh at you a lot. No kidding you laugh
at me a lot. You’re a jerk,
but you’re our jerk. All right, well,
I’ll take that.