Well, I did Wimbledon every year for ten years and or all I did the control for it Not the London, but the control was more difficult than the London. Why is that? Well because they would it would be first of all six hours on the air. They were the same in London They were six hours on the air because I was taking them live but The says the Palmer would sell it so that They would out over sell it to make revenue But they weren’t only permitted to do one-minute commercials during the live event So When the live event would end especially for would enter early they would have a ton of commercials that were sold that had the air So you would add those by playing Wii tapes and they were always complicated because they’d be edited in England They’d be sent to wash I’d have five six machines down there with a guy would call the ax murderer who was an ad that was so grumpy and we always refer them as the axe murderer and it was like He was in charge of thinking the feeds and he would have signed the machines to me and then I would roll them and we used to fight though because He was set cues that I didn’t like I changed the cues and he’d yell at me about changing the skews Was difficult because you you would be told you do a commercial and then you’d be taught what the following would be and You wouldn’t be able to get it all together before they’d be ready to give you the role cute the role so you were always Scrambling like, you know when you’re telling a guy in a car machine, you know Give me position 15 D 8 a and 9 B and the guy would have to do that like colgate line a 90 put them all together as an island and You hope you get in a time because I think that you’d be coming to an end and you had to go somewhere So that kind of stumbling like a pain in the neck one but when look then It was a fun fun show to do when you were on here for a long time for six hours straight edge didn’t even get up to go to the boys’ll how do you personally like I mean are you happy and That kind of a schedule I mean is are you kind of just go go go go go kind of a guy you don’t need Brings you a lot does the energy would be good and you’d like to get it a lot of it was hairy You know if you pulled it off there was a certain Satisfaction to it. No, it wasn’t a you know anything complex or anything like that, but you You had a you gotta be on top of it And if you want you have outages on the end you’d have to answer for it. Hmm But they pretty much went well that good people on the other side Good eighties that you know, there were new york 80s that were sent there So I know them and that You know you you, you know a lot of support from them You didn’t quite understand something then explain it and they’d give you all the details about cross for all those stuff And then the ax murderer would would well cross roles are when you roll a certain segment but they might want to take a lead in or or a Conclusion of it from another piece that takes so they send you two pieces of tape and then you have to cross roll from one type to the other they get the the The the right ending, you know
-Happy Thanksgiving. -Is it — Well, not yet. -No, no.
-Coming up. -No, today is Thanksgiving. -It is?
-Yeah, today. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, man. Thanks for coming over.
Thanks for coming over, man. -Did you make any food, or — -I have just liquids, just —
-Yeah. -I just pureed
some turkey and stuff — -Happy Thanksgiving.
-Happy Thanksgiving. What are you doing for
Thanksgiving? Anything cool? -Yeah, super cool stuff. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, man.
-Hold on. Listen to this. I’m going to the house
where my wife grew up in Boston. -There you go, man. [ Howls ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Imitates air horn blaring ] [ Beatboxing ] -To hang out
with my mother-in-law. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] -And they have a basement. [ Laughter ] -Wow. Wow, that’s fun.
-And they’re gonna be — Yeah.
-The kids must love that. -The kids love it. The kids do.
They love going to Boston. -Yeah.
-Because there’s no basements in California.
Houses don’t have basements. -That’s right. -So a basement is like
a magical place… for them.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah, a little clubhouse.
-They go down there and, you know,
have Nerf gun battles. -And then the other big thing we
do is we go to Dunkin’ Donuts. [ Laughter ] -When you’re in Boston? -Their uncle,
my brother-in-law… -Yeah.
-…my wife’s brother — -Yeah. -…takes them
to Dunkin’ Donuts, and they get to just
pick whatever they want. [ Light laughter ] -That’s what you do
when you go to Boston? -So that’s what happens… -Wow.
-…when we go to Boston. -[ Howls ]
-Yeah! Whoo! -You’re hosting “SNL”
this weekend. -I know. -I’m so excited.
-Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] -For the fifth time.
-Back up. It’s always a fun, surreal
experience to go back. You’ve done it.
-Doesn’t it smell the same, like, when you —
-The aroma is still rich. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -It feels like going back to
your high school or something. Either it’s the paint
on the floor or something — -Yeah, there’s something —
-Yeah. But it’s good. It’s good. And they got
a good cast up there. -Great cast.
A lot to talk about in the news. -Yeah, that’s true.
-Uh-huh. Right? -But what do you — When people
talk about your best of “SNL” or things that you’ve done
on the show, I know what everyone
brings up to me, which you’re involved in. [ Both laugh ] Anyway, let’s talk about
something else. -Cowbell. Cowbell sketch. -Yes, the cowbell sketch.
-Right? -That’s what I was gonna say.
I was gonna say that. I was gonna talk
about the cowbell. -You were a major part of that. -I was a really major part
of the cowbell sketch. It was all you. It was all you. This is a picture of —
-And there’s Jimmy. -Yeah.
-That’s me there. -Right.
-That’s Kattan, Parnell. -Look at that hair. -Horatio Sanz.
-And — -That’s you, and that is
Christopher Walken. -Which is —
It’s the strangest thing. [ Laughter ] -And that’s Christopher Walken. -That’s Christopher Walken
across from that. [ Laughter ] -Look at —
That shirt is insane. -You maintain that
between dress rehearsal and air that I went and put
a tighter shirt on. -I think you did. Didn’t you? -I thought it just hiked — I thought I just put
a little more mustard into it. And then it hiked up. -Is that right? I thought — -But you thought I put
a tighter shirt on, you think? -I thought you did, because this doesn’t even
feel like a shirt that should — [ Laughter ] It’s insane. Everyone else
is wearing other shirts. I think I would have — But you were coming up
a little bit in dress. -Yeah.
-But that was high up. -Yeah. -And that was —
That was low down. -But you might be right.
Maybe I — -I mean, you barely
had a shirt on. -Maybe I switched it
to a tighter shirt. -‘Cause I remember
it was so loud on air because — -Oh, with — Yeah. I banged it much louder
than the dress. -No, but I mean
the audience response. Oh, the response. Yeah. -Yeah, but, I mean, like,
the sketch was on at the end of the show,
I believe, which is where usually
the weirder sketches are. -Yeah, yeah.
-And it was working so well that the floor started shaking. -Oh, I don’t remember that. -Yeah. Yeah. -I was just in a haze.
-You were in a — Dude, you were in a comedy haze. -I was staring you down. But you — ‘Cause you were laughing.
But I was laughing, too, but the beard was just
protecting — You couldn’t see it.
You couldn’t see it. -‘Cause, dude, I —
-Wait, put the picture back up. Look. See,
the beard is hiding — See, I’m smiling.
I’m smiling right there. -I mean, that was —
That started it for me. That was my whole thing —
-But here’s the crazy thing. So, I go to see Christopher
Walken years later… -Yeah.
-…in a play. I say hello to him backstage. And he’s like, “You know, you’ve ruined my life.” [ Laughter ] What? “People during the curtain call
bring cowbells and ring them. [ Laughter ] The other day, I went
for an Italian food lunch. And the waiter asked
if I wanted more cowbell with my pasta Bolognese.” [ Laughter ] And I think he was
really mad at me. -No way. -He had a little smile, but — -Well, because he had
such a great career. But, you know —
-He is a great actor. -From “The Deer Hunter”…
-Yeah. -…to “Pulp Fiction”…
-“Pulp Fiction.” He’s amazing. -…to “More Cowbell.”
That’s all he gets. -That’s all he gets now? So it made a lot of people
happy, but… -Christopher —
…ruined one person’s life. -Ruined one person.
But what are you going to do? -That’s good odds.
-Right? -That’s decent odds.
You know what I’m saying?
We just found out
that NBC announced that you’re both coming back
next season to Saturday Night Live. Yeah. [APPLAUSE] We– It’s great because
we also found out about it by seeing it in a headline. We got no calls. It’s just people in
interviews like, you’re back. And we’re like,
oh, good to know. Thanks. Wait, your agents–
or no one told you? No. No. I don’t have an agent. [LAUGHTER] No, my cousin does
all my bookings. That can– A really nice guy. That can explain it. And he charges what? 60%, right? 60%, the industry standard. That’s yeah– that seems fair. Wait, that’s crazy
that nobody called to– or what if you didn’t
want to go back? Great question. See, this is what a
great agent would do. Well, you know what? Maybe I should be your agent. Yeah. So the two of you
have great chemistry. And did you know that? Is that why you
did this together? Or did you already
have this chemistry, or did it develop
from being there? We knew each other. At stand ups we knew each other. And then we worked
together as writers. And it seemed like– I mean, it wasn’t
really our choice. But we were excited
about it because we– again, we have no
choices in life. No choices. The application
said one of each. [LAUGHTER] And that’s how it happened. And that’s how it happened. So do both of you read
the news all day long to figure out what
you’re going to say, or is that somebody
else is doing this? Oh, no, no, no, somebody
else is calling. He reads all the news. Do you really? Yeah, I mostly read
the news, yeah. I mean, now it’s hard not–
it’s a little addictive. When we’re working, it’s hard. When we’re off,
like in the summer, it was so nice for a full
month to just try to not listen [INAUDIBLE] But when things happen
during the summer, are you sad that you’re not
there to make jokes about it and talk about it? No. No. You don’t care? Who’s ever been on
a beach thinking, oh, I wish I were in the office. I wish I was working. I know. Now, the two of you
are close, but what is the relationship with Scarlett? Is that affected
your friendship? Are you like the third
wheel on dates and stuff? He’s going to cry. [LAUGHTER] Actually not any more because
I’m dating a celebrity, too. Are you? She is a times square Elmo. [LAUGHTER] You think it’s she? You think it’s she? Yeah, well, I was surprised. That comes off, you don’t
know until it comes off. Yeah, he has changed a lot since
I feel like– you’ve changed. You don’t invite me places. And when you do, you ditch me. Yeah. Yeah, at times. Thank you. That’s what I said. I sent him a text with that. [INAUDIBLE] You’ve never
invited me anywhere. You don’t invite me come
over, hang out, have dinner. Well, yeah, because if you’re
with like Scarlett Johansson, I don’t want to tell you to
come this dive bar with me and watch a Yankee game. I feel like maybe you
have better things to do. What if you had a
girlfriend that you could– do you have a girlfriend? No. All right. [LAUGHTER] He’s like an [INAUDIBLE]. No. No. No. What if I– who do you like? Because I’m good at
arranging things. And we have a big platform here. Let me know who you like. This is very [INAUDIBLE]. Really? Yeah. What? Like in the audience
or something? No. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. This is too much pressure. Yeah, that would be immediate. If you need someone immediately,
yes, in the audience. But if you would like to just
name like a celebrity crush– Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want
to say anything. Well, is Beyonce single? No. [LAUGHTER] You don’t read the news. She’s not– [LAUGHTER] Well, I don’t know. How’s Hilary doing? Is she– She’s doing great. Yeah. She’s happier than
she’s ever been. Oh, this is too much pressure. I don’t know what to say. Just there must be somebody
that you really like, and I can set you up. Well, Roseanne went to Israel. [LAUGHTER] Before [INAUDIBLE]
Israel was perfect. You don’t want to
do long distance. That’s your problem. That’s my problem. My taste is too problematic. All right. This has become an intervention. [LAUGHTER] Talk about– let’s
talk about the Emmys. So you’re hosting. This is– and it’s more
fun to do it together. It’s not as fun when you’re
alone on stage if things, especially if things
aren’t going well. But the two of you–
what do you have planned? Are you going to dance? Are you going to sing? Mm-mm. We’ve eliminated
those two things. All right. No, we’ll probably. I mean, we’re going to– you know how it is to
host those award shows. It’s about like kind of just
keeping everybody entertained. But the real job, or the real
pressure is for the nominees. That’s what the show is for. So we’re just trying
to keep it moving. It’s really not up to us. Yeah, I understand. If that makes sense. But you have to like– I mean, you’ve already
written everything that you’re doing for– no. Sure. We’ve got some loose ideas. [LAUGHTER]
>>>YOU KNOW, ALL WEEK LONG
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME IF I WAS GOING TO DO ANY CHARACTERS
FROM “CHAPPELLE SHOW” TONIGHT. AT FIRST I WASN’T TO.
AND THEN I SAW THAT EPISODE OF “WALKING DEAD.”
WHERE THEY SMASHED THIS GUY GLEN ON THE HEAD AND KILLED HIM.
I KNOW, IT WAS DEVASTATING. I LOVE THAT SHOW WHEN GLEN WAS
LIKE ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS.
SO I WAS LIKE CRUSHED. SO — IN THAT SPIRIT AND WITH
THAT IN MIND, I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ WHISTLING ]
>>HA HA HA! I JUST CANNOT DECIDE WHICH ONE
OF YOU IS GOING TO DANCE WITH DEATH TONIGHT.
HA HA! WELL.
I GOT AN IDEA. BUBBLE GUM.
BUBBLE GUM. IN A DISH.
HOW MANY PIECES DO YOU WISH?>>BUBBLE GUM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I’D LIKE TWO, PLEASE.
MY MOUTH FEELS DRY.>>OH, HE’S A FEISTY ONE.
I LIKE THAT.>>WELL, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
MR. NEGAN, IN MY LINE OF WORK WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR KNEES, DON’T
GIVE YOU BUBBLE GUM, THEY GIVE YOU PENIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>SHUT UP!
WELL. A N — NAMED NEGAN.
YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A STEPHANIE. YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE — THE
NEGRO LEAGUE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>STOP IT, YOU’RE KILLING HIM!>>THEM SOME UGLY ASS BOOTS YOU
GOT ON THERE. AS THE WHITE BOYS SAY ON THE
INTERNETS, WHAT ARE THOSE? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>DRY, BRITTLE JERRY CURL, DISGRACE.
HA HA HA! LOOK AT THIS PASTY BASTARD.
>>OH GOD, NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>GOOD GOD HAVE SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.
MAN, THE [ BLEEP ] UP!>>WHAT DO YOU WANT, MONEY?
SEX?>>SEX ISN’T EVERYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I’LL TRY SOME SEX.
>>I HAVE A WIFE!>>WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I HAVE A WIFE!
>>WHAT?>>I HAVE A WIFE.
>>OKAY! [ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON, THEN. ALL LIVES MATTER.
ALL OF US RIGHT?>>NO, YOUR BLACK LIVES DON’T.
>>KILL US FOR WHAT?>>WELL, WELL, WELL.
I KNOW THAT SMELL ANYWHERE. FRUSTRATION AND COCOA BUTTER.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US SOME NEGRO MONSTERS.
PUT THAT BACK DOWN, MONKEY.>>MONKEY?
DON’T YOU REALIZE YOU’RE BLACK?>>FROM WHAT I HEAR, THIS HAT
WOULD SAY OTHERWISE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>IT’S UP TO AMERICA NOW, BOY.>>IT SURE IS.
>>WELL, I STAND CORRECTED. SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF YOU STILL
GOT SOME FIGHT IN YOU. THAT’S GOOD.
I LIKE THAT. MAKES IT MORE FUN.
YOU CAN BREATHE. YOU CAN BLINK.
YOU CAN CRY.>>OH!
>>YEAH. A LOT OF YOU ARE GOING TO BE
DOING SOME OF THAT.>>THANKS.
>>THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>>TAKE IT LIKE A CHAMP! COME HERE, YOU!
>>GOT TO BE FASTER THAN THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
MARTY, HELP ME OUT! ♪♪♪
>>NOTE TO SELF. REMIND ME TO TRY CRACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WE AS A NATION BEGIN TO HEAL,
THROUGH LAUGHING TOGETHER. FOR EVEN THOUGH OUR COUNTRY
SEEMS IRREVOCABLY SEVERED LIKE A MAN FROM HIS HEAD, LET MY
EXAMPLE PROVE THAT WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD.
LET US SEE OURSELVES IN ONE ANOTHER.
FOR ONLY EVERYTHING CAN CONQUER HATE.
I AM EVERY MAN. I AM EVERY WOMAN.
IT’S ALL IN ME. ANYTHING YOU WANT DONE, BABY, I
DO IT NATURALLY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>NOW LET’S BREAK OUT, Y’ALL. I ONLY GOT TWO MONTHS UNTIL THEY
TAKE AWAY MY HEALTH CARE. BODY, IF YOU WILL?
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>”WEEKEND UPDATE” WITH COLIN
JONES AND MICHAEL CHE. [ APPLAUSE ]
>>WELCOME TO “WEEKEND UPDATE” ON MSNBC!
I’M MICHAEL CHE.>>AND I’M COLIN JONES, LIVE IN
CLEVELAND FOR THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION.
>>OR AS I’VE BEEN CALLING IT, WHITE RIO.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A GARY IT, WHITE RIO.
THIS LOOKS LIKE A GARY BUSEY LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.
>>WE’RE RIGHT NEXT TO THE ROCK ‘N’ ROLL HALL OF FAME, WHERE
YOU’LL FIND ALL THE LEGENDARY ARTISTS WHO WON’T LET
REPUBLICANS USE THEIR MUSIC. MIKE PENCE STILL FINISHED
SPEAKING AND YOU STILL FEEL THE ELECTRICITY IN THE ROOM, STATIC
ELECTRICITY, CREATED BY ALL THE SHOES SOFTLY SHUFFLING TOWARD
THE EXIT. WHAT WAS YOUR TAKEAWAY SO FAR
FOR THE CONVENTION?>>BOY, DID THEY BRING OUT THE
HEAVY HITTERS, SCOTT BAYO, THE DUCK DINE AS — DYNASTY DUDES.
NO WONDER TRUMP ISN’T GETTING ANY MONEY.
LOOK AT HIS FRIENDS.>>TRUMP SAYS HE WANTS THE BEST
AND THE BRIGHTEST. I HONESTLY WORRY THAT TRUMP
THINKS BAYO AND SOBATO ARE SPANISH FOR BEST AND BRIGHTEST.
>>BACK IN THE OTHER DIRECTION YOU STILL HAD A TV SHOW AND IN
THIS DIRECTION YOU OWE ME $15 SCOTT BAYO.
>>I THOUGHT TRUMP’S WHOLE POINT IS HE WAS TRYING TO DEPORT
PEOPLE NAMED CHOCHY.>>HE PICKS THE CELEBRITIES TO
VOUCH FOR HIM AS SCOTT BAYO AND TONY SABOTO JR.
IF THIS WERE “THE APPRENTICE”, HE WOULD HAVE FIRED HIMSELF.
>>LET’S CHECK OUT THIS MOMENT FROM FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR RUDY
GIULIANI.>>THERE IS JUST AMERICA!
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?>>NOTHING UNITES PEOPLE LIKE
SCREAMING AT HIM. IT SOUNDED LIKE HIS CABLE WENT
OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF “PRICE IS RIGHT.”
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT!>>AT LEAST HE WAS ABLE TO
SHOWCASE SOME OF HIS SIGNATURE MOVES.
>>THIS IS A MAN WITH A BIG HEART WHO LOVES ALL PEOPLE, FROM
THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM, FROM THE MIDDLE, TO THE SIDE!
>>HE ONLY GOT ONE OUT OF FOUR DIRECTIONS RIGHT.
HE MIGHT BE GREAT ON SECURITY BUT HE IS TERRIBLE AT THE
MACARENA.>>THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
LET THE YING-YANG TWINS.>>YING-YANG TWINS IS WHAT
DONALD TRUMP CALLS THE LEADERS OF NORTH KOREA.
>>AND THEN THERE’S CHRIS CHRISTIE.
>>WHAT’S YOUR VERDICT, GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY?
>>WHO BETTER TO GIVE A ELECTION ON CORRUPTION THAN THE GOVERNOR
OF NEW JERSEY.>>HE JUST YELLS, YOU THINK
SHE’S GUILTY? EVERYONE WAS LIKE, YEAH, TAKE
HER AWAY! CHRISTIE PLAGIARIZED PART OF HIS
SPEECH FROM THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS.
SPEAKING OF WHICH THE BIGGEST STORY OF THE WEEK WAS MELANIA’S
TRUMP ON MONDAY, SHE REALLY KNOCKED IT OUT OF THE PARK
BEFORE A STRONG WIND BLEW IT BACK IN FOR AN EASY OUT.
>>THAT’S RIGHT. SHE WAS ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING
MICHELLE OBAMA’S SPEECH.>>AND DR. CARSON TRIED TO LINK
HILLARY CLINTON TO LUCIFER AND LUCIFER WAS IN HELL LIKE, WAIT,
WHOA. HILLARY CLINTON?
NEVER MET HER. I KNOW A BILL CLINTON.
NEVER MENTIONED HE HAD A WIFE. TED CRUZ WAS BOO’d OFF STAGE
AFTER REFUSING TO ENDORSE TRUMP AND SAYING VOTE YOUR CONSCIENCE.
THAT’S WHERE WE’RE AT NOW. PEOPLE ARE BOOING THE IDEA OF
LISTENING TO YOUR CONSCIENCE. IT’S LIKE A JIMMINY CONTRIBUTE
SHOWED UP, LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE AND EVERYONE WAS
LIKE, A CRICKET, KILL IT!>>GET OVER IT, DUDE.
SHE’S MARRYING THE RICH GUY, MAN.
SIGN UP FOR SOUL CYCLE CLASS, LOSE YOU’LL THAT WEIGHT YOU’VE
BEEN PUTTING ON. SEW A $100 BILL IN YOUR DRAWERS.
>>WHAT?>>LOOK IN THE MOVIES.
>>WHAT MOVIE IS THAT FROM?>>PORN.
ALL THE PORNS.>>WE HAVEN’T JUST BEEN COVERING
POLITICS. WE’VE BEEN HAVING FUN.
YOU WERE OUT THERE HAVING FUN WITH A NEW APP.
>>I’M OBSESSED WITH IT. TAKE A LOOK.
TAKE A LOOK.>>I’M ON THE FLOOR OF THE
REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION PLAYING AMERICA’S HOTTEST NEW
MOBILE APP WHERE YOU HAVE TO CATCH THE RAREST CREATURE OF
THEM ALL, MINORITIES AT THE RNC. SO AS TRUMP WOULD SAY, LET’S
ROUND UP SOME BROWN PEOPLE.>>CATCH ‘EM UP, GET ‘EM OUT OF
HERE.>>MAN, THERE’S NO BLACK PEOPLE
HERE? OH, DAMN, MY BAD.
GOT TO CATCH THEM ALL. YOU SEE ANY RARE MINORITIES
>>NOT OBVIOUS. I CAUGHT A COUPLE BLACK ONES.
>>I’VE SEEN SOME I GUESS HAWAIIANS.
>>DID YOU SEE ANY RARE MINORITIES?
EVERYBODY WANTS TO KEEP THEIR TRUMPY MINDS TO THEMSELVES.
BUT I’M GOING TO CATCH ‘EM. THIS AMISH DUDE ISN’T A
MINORITY? OH, I FOUND A COWBRO.
>>DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?>>YES, YOU’RE JAY PHARAOH.
>>TRUMPY-MON.>>I WAS TRYING TO FIND TIFFANY
TRUMP ON TINDER. TRUMP ON TINDER.
>>YOU ARE SO WEIRD.>>LAST YEAR IN A BREAK WITH
TRADITIONAL DECORUM, JUSTICE RUTH BADER GINSBURG.
HERE TO COMMENT, WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST, RUTH BADER
LET ME AT ‘EM, LET ME AT ‘EM.>>YOU’RE COMING OUT STRONG.
>>TRUMP PBD A FIGHT WITH THE WRONG 215 POUND MARIONETTE BABY.
>>YOU’RE DOING ACROSS FIT?>>THAT’S WHEN I CROSS MY ARMS
AND LEGS AND TRY TO FIT INSIDE A SOUP CAN.
>>TRUMP TWEETED OUT THAT YOUR MIND IS SHOT.
>>OH, PLEASE. THAT’S LIKE THE POT CALLING THE
KETTLE BLACK. AND I SHOULD KNOW, I LIVE INSIDE
A KETTLE.>>LIKE TINKER BELL?
>>YEAH, IT’S HER PLACE. SHE’S AIR BNBING IT WHILE SHE
LOOKS FOR PLANNED PARENTHOOD IN INDIANA.
>>OH, MY GOD, YOU HAVE LIKE ANT MAN STRENGTH.
>>YEAH. I MEAN, LOOK, LOOK, IF MY MIND
IS SHOT, THAN DONALD TRUMP’S MIND IS SHOT, STABBED,
STRANGLED, PUT IN A VAT OF WET CEMENT AND DONALD TRUMPED IN THE
CANAL. HIS MIND IS SLEEPING WITH THE
FISHES BUT IT’S WAKING UP TO A GINSBURG.
>>I DID.>>BUT DID YOU COME FORWARD
AFTERWARD AND ADMITTED THAT MAYBE YOU WENT TOO FAR.
>>OF COURSE I WENT TOO FAR. I HAVE NO SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE.
I’M LIKE A FLEA. I CAN JUMP 40 TIMES MY OWN
FIGHT. PLUS YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO GET
RID OF ME. I RODE HERE ON A DOG, COLIN —
>>YOU RODE HERE ON A DOG?>>YEAH, ITS NAME WAS MIKE PENCE
AND HE JUST GOT GINSBURNED. I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH TIME HAVE
I LEFT. I HAVE TO GET MY POKES IN WHILE
I CAN.>>ABOVE THE DESK, JUSTICE.
YOU GUYS ARE STILL ONE JUSTICE DOWN.
THERE’S SPECULATION AFTER CHRIS CHRISTIE’S SPEECH, SOME ARE
SAYING TRUMP MIGHT APPOINT HIM TO THE SUPREME COURT.
>>CHRIS CHRISTIE ON THE SUPREME COURT?
PLEASE, I’D RATHER HAVE AN EMPTY CHAIR THAN A BROKEN CHAIR.
AND THAT’S A BEGINBURN.>>NO DANCE, I’M TIRED.
>>ORGANIZATION, YOU’RE TIRED. I GET IT.
CONSERVE ENERGY. WHAT ABOUT MERRICK GARLAND.
>>OOH, YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY. MERRICK GARLAND IS LIKE A
SUPREME COURT WITH ONLY EIGHT JUDGES, HUNG.
AND THAT’S A SEXY SLOW BURN.>>JUSTICE, BURN ME, BURN ME.
>>I DON’T HAVE TIME, DON LEMON.>>JOIN US NEXT WEEK AT THE
DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION.>>THANKS VERY MUCH.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
[ PHONE DIALING ] [ RINGING ]
>>YELLO. IT’S DONALD TRUMP.
WHO THIS?>>IT’S MICHAEL COHEN.
GOD, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.>>OH, HEY, WHAT’S UP, AMIGO.
HOW YOU HOLDING UP IN PRISON?>>I’M NOT IN PRISON.
>>OH, WELL, GIVE IT A COUPLE OF WEEKS.
>>MR. TRUMP, WE’RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
I THINK THEY KNOW ABOUT OUR ALLUSION-CAY AND OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE-JAY.>>SORRY, I DON’T WANT SPEAK
SPANISH. WAIT, ARE YOU ON A SECURE LINE?
>>ABSOLUTELY. I DIALED STAR-86 BEFORE THE
NUMBER, SO IT’S COMPLETELY UNTRACEABLE.
MR. TRUMP, I DON’T WANT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
YOU KEEP CHANGING YOUR STORY ON THE STORMY DANIELS PAYMENT.
>>LOOK, LET’S GET RUDY GIULIANI ON THE PHONE.
HE’LL FIX THIS. HE’S GOT THE SHARPEST LEGAL MIND
SINCE “MY COUSIN VINNIE.”>>OKAY, BUT JUST TO BE SAFE,
LET ME CALL YOU BACK ON ONE OF MY BURNER PHONES.
>>WAIT, YOU KEPT THE BURNER PHONES?
THAT’S NOT GOOD. [ DIALING ]
[ RINGING ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>YES, HELLO, THIS IS DR. HAROLD BORNSTEIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW ANY OF MY PATIENTS’ MEDICAL HISTORY?
>>HEY, MAN, I’M SORRY. I TRIED TO DIAL TRUMP, DONALD,
BUT I DIALED TRUMP DOCTOR.>>IS THIS YOU, MICHAEL COHEN?
MICHAEL, I’M GLAD YOU CALLED. SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY OFFICE AND
STOLE MY FILES. I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I WAS
RAPED!>>I DON’T THINK YOU CAN SAY
THAT.>>WELL, I ALREADY DID.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?>>NO.
I’M — I’M BUSY LATER. I’M KIDDING.
I HAVE ZERO COMMITMENTS PERSONALLY OR PROFESSIONALLY.
BUT IF YOU EVER WANT TO DO DRUGS, I CAN GET YOU ALL THE
I’LL CALL YOU BACK, HAROLD. GOOD-BYE.
>>ALL RIGHT. OKAY, I’LL JUST BE SITTING HERE
IN MY OFFICE, WHERE I LIVE. BYE!
[ DIALING ]>>HELLO?
>>HEY — RUDY? IS THAT YOU?
>>YES. THAT’S RIGHT.
IT’S ME. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>RUDY. RUDY GIULIANI, TRUMP’S LAWYER
AND HIS WORST NIGHTMARE.>>LOOK, RUDY, CAN WE SPEAK
FREELY? ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YEAH, YEAH, I’M PRETTY MUCH ALONE.
THIS IS A COMMERCIAL BREAK, RIGHT, TOOTS.
>>NO.>>OKAY, YEAH, WE’RE GOOD TO
TALK. WE’RE GOOD TO TALK.
>>ALL RIGHT. LET ME LOOP IN MR. TRUMP.
ALL RIGHT. IS EVERYONE ON?
GUYS, CAN WE PLEASE JUST DECIDE ON ONE LIE AND STICK TO IT?
BECAUSE OUR STORIES ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE.
>>GUYS, HOLD THAT THOUGHT. I’M GETTING A CALL FROM WORK.
>>MR. PRESIDENT, I HAVE LOST ALL CREDIBILITY.
DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THE STORMY DANIELS AFFAIR?
>>YEAH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD DO.
>>OKAY, GOOD! JUST AS LONG AS WE’RE ON THE
SAME PAGE. I’M GOOD TO GO.
SEE YOU MONDAY.>>OKAY, I’M BACK.
>>HEY, GUYS, GUYS, CAN WE HURRY THIS UP.
I’M SUPPOSED TO DO 25 MORE TALK SHOW APPEARANCES TODAY AND I’M
TRYING TO MAKE IT LIKE AN ADVENT CALENDAR, YOU KNOW, WHERE I
REVEAL ONE NEW CRIME ON EACH SHOW, SO.
>>HEY, I’M GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
HANG ON.>>HELLO, MICHAEL?
IT’S MELANIA.>>OH, HEY, MELANIA!
I WAS JUST TALKING TO DONALD ABOUT —
>>OH, UH, LISTEN, I HAVE A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION
FOR A FRIEND OF MINE, OKAY? IF YOUR HUSBAND IS ACCUSED OF
CRIME, WOULD SHE HAVE TO TESTIFY AGAINST HIM?
>>NO.>>BUT COULD SHE?
IF SHE WANT TO?>>I GUESS SHE COULD.
>>OH, MY FRIEND WILL BE SO HAPPY.
THANK YOU, MICHAEL.>>OKAY.
WAIT. WHICH PHONE WAS MR. TRUMP ON?
HELLO?>>YEAH, THIS IS OMAROSA AND I’M
STILL PISSED OFF!>>NOPE.
HELLO?>>HI, THERE, STRANGER.
WHAT’S YOUR NAME?>>MIKE PENCE?
>>WHO IS THIS? I WAS TOLD THIS WAS A PARTY LINE
WITH NO QUESTIONS ASKED.>>I — I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK.
>>YES, THIS IS IVANKA AND JARED.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]>>HI.
>>MICHAEL, DID WE HEAR GIULIANI CALL JARED “DISPOSABLE” ON
NATIONAL TELEVISION? BECAUSE JARED IS FURIOUS.
>>YEAH, MAN, I’M LIKE WHAT THE HELL, I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW.
YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME. I COULD CUT A BITCH.
DON’T EVEN TRY TO COVER FOR ME, OKAY?
>>YOU KNOW, IVANKA, YOUR DAD WOULD DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT
YOU, BUT IF HE NEEDS TO, HE WOULD THROW JARED UNDER THE BUS
IN A HEARTBEAT.>>WHAT’D HE SAY?
>>HE SAID YOU’RE FINE.>>YOU KNOW, I’LL TALK TO YOU
>>WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU, MICHAEL?
I DON’T HAVE TIME TO WAIT ON HOLD.
I’M SUPPOSED TO BE MEETING WITH MY NEW CHIEF STRATEGIST, KANYE
WEST.>>THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO
DO?>>CALL UP STORMY DANIELS AND
FIX THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL. MAYBE KEEP ME ON THE PHONE, TOO.
I’LL JUST BE QUIET AND LISTEN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
THIS IS MICHAEL COHEN. ARE YOU ALONE?
>>YES.>>AND WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
>>EXCUSE ME?>>OKAY MICHAEL, I CAN TAKE IT
FROM HERE.>>OKAY, BUT AS YOUR ATTORNEY, I
HIGHLY ADVISE AGAINST YOU –>>SO, WHAT UP, GIRL?
>>HELLO, DONALD.>>COME ON, STORMY, STOP MAKING
SUCH A BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS. EVERYONE KNOWS IT’S JUST AN ACT.
>>I WORK IN A ADULT FILMS. WE’RE NOT REALLY KNOWN FOR OUR
ACTING.>>JUST TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU
NEED FOR THIS TO ALL GO AWAY?>>A RESIGNATION.
>>YEAH, RIGHT. BEING PRESIDENT IS LIKE DOING
PORN. ONCE YOU DO IT, IT’S HARD TO DO
ANYTHING ELSE. BESIDES, MY POLL NUMBERS ARE
FINALLY UP. AND SPEAKING OF “POLLS” BEING
UP — OH, COME ON, WE’LL ALWAYS HAVE SHARK WEEK.
I SOLVED NORTH AND SOUTH KOREA. WHY CAN’T I SOLVE US?
>>SORRY, DONALD. IT’S TOO LATE FOR THAT.
I KNOW YOU DON’T BELIEVE IN CLIMATE CHANGE, BUT A
A-COMING, BABY.>>I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED AND
SO HORNY AT THE SAME TIME. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT’S
SATURDAY NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]