-And now here to perform
“I Cain’t Say No,” from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s
“Oklahoma!”, Ali Stroker. [ Cheering and applause ] -♪ It ain’t ♪ ♪ So much a question
of not knowin’ what to do ♪ ♪ I knowed what’s right
and wrong since I been ten ♪ ♪ I heared a lot of stories ♪ ♪ And I reckon they are true ♪ ♪ About how girls
are put upon by men ♪ ♪ I know I mustn’t
fall into the pit ♪ ♪ But when I’m with a feller ♪ [ Inhales sharply ] ♪ I fergit ♪ ♪♪ ♪ I’m just a girl
who cain’t say no ♪ ♪ I’m in a terrible fix ♪ ♪ I always say,
“Come on, let’s go” ♪ ♪ Just when I orta say nix ♪ ♪ When a person
tries to kiss a girl ♪ ♪ I know she orta
give his face a smack ♪ ♪ But as soon
as someone kisses me ♪ ♪ I somehow sorta
wanta kiss him back ♪ ♪ I’m just a fool
when lights are low ♪ ♪ I cain’t be prissy
and quaint ♪ ♪ I ain’t the type
that can faint ♪ ♪ How can I be what I ain’t? ♪ ♪ I cain’t say no ♪ ♪ What you gonna do
when a feller gits flirty ♪ ♪ And starts to talk purty ♪ ♪ What you gonna do? ♪ ♪ Supposin’ that he says that
yer lips are like cherries ♪ ♪ Or roses or berries ♪ ♪ What you gonna do? ♪ ♪ Supposin’ that he says
that you’re sweeter than cream ♪ ♪ And he’s gotta have cream
or die ♪ ♪ What you gonna do
when he talks that way? ♪ ♪ Spit in his eye? ♪ ♪ I’m just a girl
who cain’t say no ♪ ♪ Cain’t seem
to say it at all ♪ ♪ I hate
to disserpoint a beau ♪ ♪ When he is payin’ a call ♪ ♪ Fer a while,
I act refined and cool ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪ A-sittin’ on
a velveteen settee ♪ ♪ Then I think
of that old Golden Rule ♪ ♪ And do fer him
what he would do fer me ♪ ♪ I cain’t resist a Romeo ♪ ♪ In a sombrero and chaps ♪ ♪ Soon as I sit
on their laps ♪ ♪ Somethin’ inside of me snaps ♪ ♪ I cain’t say no ♪ ♪♪ ♪ I’m just a girl
who cain’t say no ♪ ♪ Kissin’s my favorite food ♪ ♪ With or without
the mistletoe ♪ ♪ I’m in a holiday mood ♪ ♪ Other girls are coy
and hard to catch ♪ ♪ But other girls
ain’t havin’ any fun ♪ ♪ Every time I lose
a wrestlin’ match ♪ ♪ I have a funny feelin’
that I won ♪ ♪ Though I can feel
the undertow ♪ ♪ I never make a complaint ♪ ♪ Till it’s too late
fer restraint ♪ ♪ Then when I want to,
I cain’t ♪ ♪ I cain’t say… ♪ ♪ N-o-o-o-o,
whoo-ooh! ♪ [ Cheering and applause ] -Come on! Oh! Oh! Oh, my goodness!
Come on! That is how you do it!
That is how you do it! Ali Stroker! [ Cheers and applause ] Go see “Oklahoma!” now, playing on Broadway at the
Circle in the Square Theatre. Fantastic.
-I am so excited about this. Tonight,
we are coming to you live! [ Cheers and applause ] Live!
Whoa! And this is very special —
our entire audience is filled with Democrats
who are running for president. So, unbelievable.
[ Cheers and applause ] Fantastic.
Congratulations. Yeah, just like the debate,
everyone here gets 10 seconds to talk.
[ Laughter ] And since it’s NBC,
if you go past your time, you’re gonna hear this. [ Dramatic tone ] Okay.
That’s the way it works. Now, the debate
was right here at NBC, and there was a lot
of excitement in the building. It felt
just like the Super Bowl, you know, if 20 teams
played the game over two nights and the winner wasn’t decided
for another year. But besides that… But it’s true — we’re live, and we just watched the first
Democratic debate down in Miami. If you missed it,
here’s what happened. There were 10 Democrats
on stage, and to qualify, all a candidate needed
was to poll at 1% or higher. [ Laughter ] That’s it? One per–
I mean, even O.J. is at 2%. -Oh.
[ Laughter ] -But once it got under way, something very interesting
happened. In his first question
of the night, Beto O’Rourke decided
to start speaking Spanish. Watch this. -And it’s gonna take all of us
coming together to make sure that it does. [ Speaking Spanish ] [ Laughter ] -Cory Booker’s face.
[ Laughter ] Oh, Cory B– yeah. Trump was watching like, “Crap.
Did I hit the SAP button? What is it?
What is it?” [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Then, when they called on
Bill de Blasio, he was like, “Uh, thank-a you-o.
I’m-a happy to be here-o.” [ Laughter ] Meanwhile, Cory Booker
saw Beto speaking Spanish and decided to join in, too.
Watch him. -[ Speaking Spanish ] [ Laughter ] -He sounds
like Arnold Schwarzenegger learning Rosetta Stone. He’s like…
[ Speaking Spanish loudly ] [ Laughter ] [ Speaking Spanish loudly ] [ Cheers and applause ] Meanwhile, over on Telemundo,
they were speaking English. -Really?
-It was unbelievable tonight. -Wow!
-Yeah, Beto and Booker both spoke Spanish,
but it’s not that crazy because Miami has a large
Spanish-speaking community. I just hope that the next debate
is in Boston so I can hear them say, “We need free college
for anyone who is wicked smart.” [ Laughter ] Later on, we got our first look
at one of the underdogs, former Maryland Congressman
John Delaney. Take a look at this guy.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] He looks like a talking thumb.
[ Laughter ] Well, as expected,
Elizabeth Warren and Cory Booker did well tonight,
but I actually thought Bill de Blasio
did a pretty good job, too. The New Yorkers are like, “Where the hell’s
this friggin’ guy been? Hey, whoa, hey!” Meanwhile, later on —
[ Feedback ] -Welcome back to “Today” —
-Sorry, sorry. That’s a mic. Can someone turn
Savannah Guthrie’s microphone off?
Thank you. Appreciate it. So, during the debate, there were
some technical difficulties. Take a look at this. -Should there be a role
for the federal government — -The mics are on.
-Everybody’s mics are on. Think we had
a little mic issue in the back. -Control room,
we’ve got contrary audio. -We had the —
I think we heard — Yeah, we have
the audience audio. -What’s happening? [ Laughter ] -Then Vladimir Putin was like,
“Is too easy.” [ Laughter ] “Is too easy.” [ Laughs ] Now, get this — Trump tweeted
and called the debate boring. But he still watched
even though he also said it was a “very unexciting
group of people.” As opposed to the rock stars
he usually hangs out with, like Mike Pence
and Steve Mnuchin. [ Laughter ] But I think
I know why Trump’s upset. He’s probably
jealous of the Democrats. You know, if you think about it,
they got to be on TV, they got
to talk about themselves, and they got to be in Florida. It’s like, “These are
my three favorite things! I can’t believe it!”
[ Laughter ] There’s a lot going on
in the race, and there’s
so many Democrats running, it’s hard to keep up,
so we thought we’d help you out. Enjoy. ♪♪ -♪ Bernie Sanders ♪
-♪ Tulsi Gabbard ♪ -♪ Julián Castro ♪
-♪ Beto O’Rourke ♪ -♪ Elizabeth Warren ♪
-♪ John Delaney ♪ -♪ Kirsten Gillibrand
from New York ♪ -♪ Cory Booker ♪
-♪ Andrew Yang ♪ -♪ I’m Bill de Blasio ♪
-♪ Tim Ryan ♪ -♪ Michael Bennet ♪
-♪ I’m Eric Swalwell ♪ -♪ Marianne Williamson ♪
-♪ Joe Biden ♪ [ Laughs ] -♪ I’m Jay Inslee ♪
-♪ Kamala Harris ♪ -♪ My name is Pete Buttigieg ♪
-♪ I’m Amy Klobuchar ♪ ♪ And I approve this message ♪
-Yay! -♪ I’m John Hickenlooper ♪ ♪ Skinny kid
with a funny last name ♪ -♪ Now,
who the hell’s gonna beat me? ♪ ♪ Their policies
are just insane ♪ -♪ Gun control ♪
-♪ Equality ♪ -♪ Climate change ♪
-♪ Voting rights ♪ -♪ Campaign finance ♪
-♪ Free tuition ♪ -♪ Living wages ♪ -♪ Will not deny
social justice ♪ -♪ Join the fight ♪
♪ Identify ♪ -♪ A woman’s right ♪
-♪ It’s true ♪ -♪ No excuse ♪
-♪ We can’t afford to lose ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates are
here to change the world today ♪ -♪ I’m gonna change my slogan ♪ ♪ We’ll sell many,
many more hats that way ♪ -♪ Focus on the future ♪ -♪ There is nothing
we can’t overcome ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates are
not afraid of Donald Trump ♪ -♪ When people come after me ♪ ♪ That’s really, really,
really dumb ♪ -♪ Democratic candidates
will never defeat Donald Trump ♪ -♪ Extreme radical Democrats ♪ -Thank you very much.
-There you go. [ Cheers and applause ] I hope that helps. [ Applause ] And did you
see the stage tonight? All the candidates were standing
in front of a fake White House. Take a look at this.
Yeah. [ Laughter ] Meanwhile,
inside the real White House, Trump was
looking out the window like, “Why can’t I see them?
Am I in the wrong — Am I in the Upside Down?” [ Laughter ] Earlier today, each candidate
got to spend a few minutes doing a walk-through
on the stage just to check out the mics
and all that stuff. Most of them
wore suits and dresses, but Ohio Congressman Tim Ryan
did things a little differently. Watch this.
-All right, 2020 contender Tim Ryan is on the debate stage
right now doing his walk-through.
That’s gonna be happening through the course of the day. -He’s like, “Hurry up, dude! I got to get to the quad
for Frisbee golf! I mean, what’s going on?!”
[ Laughter ] Guys, it seems like
there’s so much going on in the news right now. The Democratic debates
are this week, everybody’s talking about
“Toy Story 4,” Wimbledon is also starting up, and KFC just announced a new
Cheetos Chicken Sandwich. There’s a lot to go over,
so let’s all just jump in, cover it all at once. It’s time for a News Smash. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ First up,
the Democratic debates. 10 Democrats
went head-to-head tonight, and 10 more
will do the same thing tomorrow. There are some
obvious front-runners, but other candidates
aren’t very popular at all. You know what is popular?
“Toy Story 4.” It’s part of one of the most
successful film franchises ever. These movies
get people so emotional, by the time
they leave the theater, they’re an absolute mess. Speaking of absolute messes,
KFC’s new Cheetos sandwich. It’s fried chicken
with Cheetos on top, drenched in
a Cheetos-flavored sauce. If you’re the kind of person who
plans on ordering this thing, you know what
you probably won’t be doing? Competing at Wimbledon. It’s the biggest, classiest
tennis tournament of the year, where players are required
to wear all white. You know who shouldn’t
wear all white? Anyone trying to eat
KFC’s Cheetos sandwich. I mean, all the Cheeto dust, and this thing
can’t be good for you. The number of calories
probably goes all the way to infinity and beyond.
[ Laughter ] The “Toy Story” movies
have introduced us to so many great characters,
it’s hard to keep up. You know what else
is hard to keep up with? All these Democrats.
They just keep going back and forth and back forth. You know what else
goes back and forth? Tennis!
And qualifying for Wimbledon takes years
of blood, sweat, and tears. Speaking of tears, “Toy Story.” These movies
can cause a lot of heartache, but if you really want
your heart to hurt, why not try
KFC’s Cheetos sandwich? In conclusion, good luck,
good luck, good luck, good luck. [ Cheers and applause ]
now Here’s how it works. We’re Gonna Take turns drawing one of these cars each card has five totally random questions on it one two three fake back. Thank you yet, then No, I love ya, that’s it. I love it. Now. Does it does it does it touch this sequence? That’s it very good One person asks the questions the other person has to answer each question as soon as it’s asked and I mean immediately It doesn’t matter if the answer is right or wrong just has to be the very first thing that pops into your head Wilson’s you’re the Guest I’ll read your questions first. Are you ready? Yeah here we go Why is the sun so hot uh yellow what are? What are what are birds made out of plastic? How old is Jon hamm? Uh? 59 What was Elvis’s first word peacock? Who stole the eggs uh Larry and his family brother? Learn his brother larry and his brother stole the eggs Yellow okay yeah. Yeah, okay? No yeah, you can all ask questions own. You’re ready. I’m dizzier. That was great, okay What can I buy for a dollar? Sandwich well where are the children hiding in the basement? What are sports things? How heavy is a duck 12 pounds? Tell me a secret Shampoo is A Gassy secret Dad go to juice easy juicing here. We go. All right Mm-hmm lights Which rabbit is the best uh? Joe how how big is the Big man uh? He’s he’s bigger He’s he’s bigger than you. Think he is but he’s smaller than a jockey Why work why were you late for my wedding because my dad said? knock it off name the best place oh Alaska What are the names of the two firemen there’s a? Captain Ron Captain Ron yes, yes and cecil All right it fits, right It’s the final round so here’s how to do it is good that I’m this time around we’ll both pick up a card with the same set of questions I’ll ask you answered then you ask the question and we’ll just back and forth back and Forth Since King Kong yeah ready, okay? Who drank all the coffee my mom did she was thirsty where did the money go? I’m just the mattress? What does the name of your first kiss um? What would have been a better name for the Beatles this discreet? Oh? What what is a jazz boy? Uh? He’s the guy who? carries the saxophone How many people are there in Canada three? What are you? I’m me. What’s a cool greeting. Hola Why are you so great because it’s in the genes. Uh sing me a song Orlando Orlando That was the fast barrel in the house indeed June 30th
♪ -The Puppy Predictors! ♪ -Welcome to the Puppy Predictors
Super Bowl LII Edition. Here’s how it works. We have 11 puppies,
we have two bowls of kibble, one representing
the New England Patriots, the other representing
the Philadelphia Eagles. Whichever team’s bowl
gets the most puppies will be crowned
the Super Bowl champs. Now… [ Cheers and applause ] -…let’s meet the puppies. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Come and get it. Hi, guys. Uh, guys, we have Ron Bell,
Kyle McAdams, Mary Kennedy, Ted Mooney, Donna Braylon,
Peter Winston, Roger Blain, Lisa Armstrong, Bruce Devins,
Angie Griffin and Gary Frick Jr. Now… [ Cheers and applause ] …listen up. Before we release you, okay,
I want no, uh — I want no whining,
no — no butt sniffing, no colluding. Uh, Gary — Gary Frick Jr.,
get over here. Gary, pay attention. Gary! Pay atten– Yes, very good. Now, look, you guys ready
to do this and see who are gonna be
the Super Bowl champs? All right, here we go. Release the puppies. [ Audience “Awws” ] -Ooh, it’s a tight… Oh, looks like a landslide! The New England Patriots
are the Super Bowl champs! [ Dinging ] ♪♪ -Come on. The New England Patriots will be
crowned the Super Bowl champs. Enjoy the game, everybody. We’ll be right back
with Katie Couric. Stick around. ♪ -Puppy Predictors ♪
-Happy Thanksgiving. -Is it — Well, not yet. -No, no.
-Coming up. -No, today is Thanksgiving. -It is?
-Yeah, today. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving, man. Thanks for coming over.
Thanks for coming over, man. -Did you make any food, or — -I have just liquids, just —
-Yeah. -I just pureed
some turkey and stuff — -Happy Thanksgiving.
-Happy Thanksgiving. What are you doing for
Thanksgiving? Anything cool? -Yeah, super cool stuff. [ Laughter ] -Yeah, man.
-Hold on. Listen to this. I’m going to the house
where my wife grew up in Boston. -There you go, man. [ Howls ] [ Cheers and applause ] [ Imitates air horn blaring ] [ Beatboxing ] -To hang out
with my mother-in-law. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] -And they have a basement. [ Laughter ] -Wow. Wow, that’s fun.
-And they’re gonna be — Yeah.
-The kids must love that. -The kids love it. The kids do.
They love going to Boston. -Yeah.
-Because there’s no basements in California.
Houses don’t have basements. -That’s right. -So a basement is like
a magical place… for them.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah, a little clubhouse.
-They go down there and, you know,
have Nerf gun battles. -And then the other big thing we
do is we go to Dunkin’ Donuts. [ Laughter ] -When you’re in Boston? -Their uncle,
my brother-in-law… -Yeah.
-…my wife’s brother — -Yeah. -…takes them
to Dunkin’ Donuts, and they get to just
pick whatever they want. [ Light laughter ] -That’s what you do
when you go to Boston? -So that’s what happens… -Wow.
-…when we go to Boston. -[ Howls ]
-Yeah! Whoo! -You’re hosting “SNL”
this weekend. -I know. -I’m so excited.
-Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ] -For the fifth time.
-Back up. It’s always a fun, surreal
experience to go back. You’ve done it.
-Doesn’t it smell the same, like, when you —
-The aroma is still rich. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -It feels like going back to
your high school or something. Either it’s the paint
on the floor or something — -Yeah, there’s something —
-Yeah. But it’s good. It’s good. And they got
a good cast up there. -Great cast.
A lot to talk about in the news. -Yeah, that’s true.
-Uh-huh. Right? -But what do you — When people
talk about your best of “SNL” or things that you’ve done
on the show, I know what everyone
brings up to me, which you’re involved in. [ Both laugh ] Anyway, let’s talk about
something else. -Cowbell. Cowbell sketch. -Yes, the cowbell sketch.
-Right? -That’s what I was gonna say.
I was gonna say that. I was gonna talk
about the cowbell. -You were a major part of that. -I was a really major part
of the cowbell sketch. It was all you. It was all you. This is a picture of —
-And there’s Jimmy. -Yeah.
-That’s me there. -Right.
-That’s Kattan, Parnell. -Look at that hair. -Horatio Sanz.
-And — -That’s you, and that is
Christopher Walken. -Which is —
It’s the strangest thing. [ Laughter ] -And that’s Christopher Walken. -That’s Christopher Walken
across from that. [ Laughter ] -Look at —
That shirt is insane. -You maintain that
between dress rehearsal and air that I went and put
a tighter shirt on. -I think you did. Didn’t you? -I thought it just hiked — I thought I just put
a little more mustard into it. And then it hiked up. -Is that right? I thought — -But you thought I put
a tighter shirt on, you think? -I thought you did, because this doesn’t even
feel like a shirt that should — [ Laughter ] It’s insane. Everyone else
is wearing other shirts. I think I would have — But you were coming up
a little bit in dress. -Yeah.
-But that was high up. -Yeah. -And that was —
That was low down. -But you might be right.
Maybe I — -I mean, you barely
had a shirt on. -Maybe I switched it
to a tighter shirt. -‘Cause I remember
it was so loud on air because — -Oh, with — Yeah. I banged it much louder
than the dress. -No, but I mean
the audience response. Oh, the response. Yeah. -Yeah, but, I mean, like,
the sketch was on at the end of the show,
I believe, which is where usually
the weirder sketches are. -Yeah, yeah.
-And it was working so well that the floor started shaking. -Oh, I don’t remember that. -Yeah. Yeah. -I was just in a haze.
-You were in a — Dude, you were in a comedy haze. -I was staring you down. But you — ‘Cause you were laughing.
But I was laughing, too, but the beard was just
protecting — You couldn’t see it.
You couldn’t see it. -‘Cause, dude, I —
-Wait, put the picture back up. Look. See,
the beard is hiding — See, I’m smiling.
I’m smiling right there. -I mean, that was —
That started it for me. That was my whole thing —
-But here’s the crazy thing. So, I go to see Christopher
Walken years later… -Yeah.
-…in a play. I say hello to him backstage. And he’s like, “You know, you’ve ruined my life.” [ Laughter ] What? “People during the curtain call
bring cowbells and ring them. [ Laughter ] The other day, I went
for an Italian food lunch. And the waiter asked
if I wanted more cowbell with my pasta Bolognese.” [ Laughter ] And I think he was
really mad at me. -No way. -He had a little smile, but — -Well, because he had
such a great career. But, you know —
-He is a great actor. -From “The Deer Hunter”…
-Yeah. -…to “Pulp Fiction”…
-“Pulp Fiction.” He’s amazing. -…to “More Cowbell.”
That’s all he gets. -That’s all he gets now? So it made a lot of people
happy, but… -Christopher —
…ruined one person’s life. -Ruined one person.
But what are you going to do? -That’s good odds.
-Right? -That’s decent odds.
You know what I’m saying?
We just found out
that NBC announced that you’re both coming back
next season to Saturday Night Live. Yeah. [APPLAUSE] We– It’s great because
we also found out about it by seeing it in a headline. We got no calls. It’s just people in
interviews like, you’re back. And we’re like,
oh, good to know. Thanks. Wait, your agents–
or no one told you? No. No. I don’t have an agent. [LAUGHTER] No, my cousin does
all my bookings. That can– A really nice guy. That can explain it. And he charges what? 60%, right? 60%, the industry standard. That’s yeah– that seems fair. Wait, that’s crazy
that nobody called to– or what if you didn’t
want to go back? Great question. See, this is what a
great agent would do. Well, you know what? Maybe I should be your agent. Yeah. So the two of you
have great chemistry. And did you know that? Is that why you
did this together? Or did you already
have this chemistry, or did it develop
from being there? We knew each other. At stand ups we knew each other. And then we worked
together as writers. And it seemed like– I mean, it wasn’t
really our choice. But we were excited
about it because we– again, we have no
choices in life. No choices. The application
said one of each. [LAUGHTER] And that’s how it happened. And that’s how it happened. So do both of you read
the news all day long to figure out what
you’re going to say, or is that somebody
else is doing this? Oh, no, no, no, somebody
else is calling. He reads all the news. Do you really? Yeah, I mostly read
the news, yeah. I mean, now it’s hard not–
it’s a little addictive. When we’re working, it’s hard. When we’re off,
like in the summer, it was so nice for a full
month to just try to not listen [INAUDIBLE] But when things happen
during the summer, are you sad that you’re not
there to make jokes about it and talk about it? No. No. You don’t care? Who’s ever been on
a beach thinking, oh, I wish I were in the office. I wish I was working. I know. Now, the two of you
are close, but what is the relationship with Scarlett? Is that affected
your friendship? Are you like the third
wheel on dates and stuff? He’s going to cry. [LAUGHTER] Actually not any more because
I’m dating a celebrity, too. Are you? She is a times square Elmo. [LAUGHTER] You think it’s she? You think it’s she? Yeah, well, I was surprised. That comes off, you don’t
know until it comes off. Yeah, he has changed a lot since
I feel like– you’ve changed. You don’t invite me places. And when you do, you ditch me. Yeah. Yeah, at times. Thank you. That’s what I said. I sent him a text with that. [INAUDIBLE] You’ve never
invited me anywhere. You don’t invite me come
over, hang out, have dinner. Well, yeah, because if you’re
with like Scarlett Johansson, I don’t want to tell you to
come this dive bar with me and watch a Yankee game. I feel like maybe you
have better things to do. What if you had a
girlfriend that you could– do you have a girlfriend? No. All right. [LAUGHTER] He’s like an [INAUDIBLE]. No. No. No. What if I– who do you like? Because I’m good at
arranging things. And we have a big platform here. Let me know who you like. This is very [INAUDIBLE]. Really? Yeah. What? Like in the audience
or something? No. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. This is too much pressure. Yeah, that would be immediate. If you need someone immediately,
yes, in the audience. But if you would like to just
name like a celebrity crush– Oh, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t want
to say anything. Well, is Beyonce single? No. [LAUGHTER] You don’t read the news. She’s not– [LAUGHTER] Well, I don’t know. How’s Hilary doing? Is she– She’s doing great. Yeah. She’s happier than
she’s ever been. Oh, this is too much pressure. I don’t know what to say. Just there must be somebody
that you really like, and I can set you up. Well, Roseanne went to Israel. [LAUGHTER] Before [INAUDIBLE]
Israel was perfect. You don’t want to
do long distance. That’s your problem. That’s my problem. My taste is too problematic. All right. This has become an intervention. [LAUGHTER] Talk about– let’s
talk about the Emmys. So you’re hosting. This is– and it’s more
fun to do it together. It’s not as fun when you’re
alone on stage if things, especially if things
aren’t going well. But the two of you–
what do you have planned? Are you going to dance? Are you going to sing? Mm-mm. We’ve eliminated
those two things. All right. No, we’ll probably. I mean, we’re going to– you know how it is to
host those award shows. It’s about like kind of just
keeping everybody entertained. But the real job, or the real
pressure is for the nominees. That’s what the show is for. So we’re just trying
to keep it moving. It’s really not up to us. Yeah, I understand. If that makes sense. But you have to like– I mean, you’ve already
written everything that you’re doing for– no. Sure. We’ve got some loose ideas. [LAUGHTER]
>>>YOU KNOW, ALL WEEK LONG
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN ASKING ME IF I WAS GOING TO DO ANY CHARACTERS
FROM “CHAPPELLE SHOW” TONIGHT. AT FIRST I WASN’T TO.
AND THEN I SAW THAT EPISODE OF “WALKING DEAD.”
WHERE THEY SMASHED THIS GUY GLEN ON THE HEAD AND KILLED HIM.
I KNOW, IT WAS DEVASTATING. I LOVE THAT SHOW WHEN GLEN WAS
LIKE ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS.
SO I WAS LIKE CRUSHED. SO — IN THAT SPIRIT AND WITH
THAT IN MIND, I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ WHISTLING ]
>>HA HA HA! I JUST CANNOT DECIDE WHICH ONE
OF YOU IS GOING TO DANCE WITH DEATH TONIGHT.
HA HA! WELL.
I GOT AN IDEA. BUBBLE GUM.
BUBBLE GUM. IN A DISH.
HOW MANY PIECES DO YOU WISH?>>BUBBLE GUM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I’D LIKE TWO, PLEASE.
MY MOUTH FEELS DRY.>>OH, HE’S A FEISTY ONE.
I LIKE THAT.>>WELL, WITH ALL DUE RESPECT,
MR. NEGAN, IN MY LINE OF WORK WHEN YOU’RE ON YOUR KNEES, DON’T
GIVE YOU BUBBLE GUM, THEY GIVE YOU PENIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>SHUT UP!
WELL. A N — NAMED NEGAN.
YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A STEPHANIE. YOUR FACE LOOKS LIKE — THE
NEGRO LEAGUE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>STOP IT, YOU’RE KILLING HIM!>>THEM SOME UGLY ASS BOOTS YOU
GOT ON THERE. AS THE WHITE BOYS SAY ON THE
INTERNETS, WHAT ARE THOSE? [ LAUGHTER ]
>>DRY, BRITTLE JERRY CURL, DISGRACE.
HA HA HA! LOOK AT THIS PASTY BASTARD.
>>OH GOD, NO. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>GOOD GOD HAVE SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.
MAN, THE [ BLEEP ] UP!>>WHAT DO YOU WANT, MONEY?
SEX?>>SEX ISN’T EVERYTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I’LL TRY SOME SEX.
>>I HAVE A WIFE!>>WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]>>I HAVE A WIFE!
>>WHAT?>>I HAVE A WIFE.
>>OKAY! [ LAUGHTER ]
COME ON, THEN. ALL LIVES MATTER.
ALL OF US RIGHT?>>NO, YOUR BLACK LIVES DON’T.
>>KILL US FOR WHAT?>>WELL, WELL, WELL.
I KNOW THAT SMELL ANYWHERE. FRUSTRATION AND COCOA BUTTER.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT US SOME NEGRO MONSTERS.
PUT THAT BACK DOWN, MONKEY.>>MONKEY?
DON’T YOU REALIZE YOU’RE BLACK?>>FROM WHAT I HEAR, THIS HAT
WOULD SAY OTHERWISE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>IT’S UP TO AMERICA NOW, BOY.>>IT SURE IS.
>>WELL, I STAND CORRECTED. SEEMS LIKE A LOT OF YOU STILL
GOT SOME FIGHT IN YOU. THAT’S GOOD.
I LIKE THAT. MAKES IT MORE FUN.
YOU CAN BREATHE. YOU CAN BLINK.
YOU CAN CRY.>>OH!
>>YEAH. A LOT OF YOU ARE GOING TO BE
DOING SOME OF THAT.>>THANKS.
>>THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME! [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>>TAKE IT LIKE A CHAMP! COME HERE, YOU!
>>GOT TO BE FASTER THAN THAT. [ LAUGHTER ]
MARTY, HELP ME OUT! ♪♪♪
>>NOTE TO SELF. REMIND ME TO TRY CRACK.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WE AS A NATION BEGIN TO HEAL,
THROUGH LAUGHING TOGETHER. FOR EVEN THOUGH OUR COUNTRY
SEEMS IRREVOCABLY SEVERED LIKE A MAN FROM HIS HEAD, LET MY
EXAMPLE PROVE THAT WE SHOULD CONTINUE TO MOVE FORWARD.
LET US SEE OURSELVES IN ONE ANOTHER.
FOR ONLY EVERYTHING CAN CONQUER HATE.
I AM EVERY MAN. I AM EVERY WOMAN.
IT’S ALL IN ME. ANYTHING YOU WANT DONE, BABY, I
DO IT NATURALLY. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>NOW LET’S BREAK OUT, Y’ALL. I ONLY GOT TWO MONTHS UNTIL THEY
TAKE AWAY MY HEALTH CARE. BODY, IF YOU WILL?
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]