Articles, Blog

Tom Segura Overdoses – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

October 22, 2019


– This woman goes “Hey Tom,
you are in the emergency room and you overdosed.” And they’re
like “what did you take?” So, I write,
‘Heroine.’ And they go “Are you serious?”
And, I write, “Jk.” (intense dubstep music) – [Ari Shaffir] Welcome to
‘This Is Not Happening’ presents one crazy night. So,
this is what we do. We’re a bunch of
comedians. We tell stories about a similar subject. So,
this is just one crazy night. – Give it up for
my friend and yours Mr. Tom Segura everybody!
Let him hear it! (cheering) – Thanks, Ari Shaffir,
everybody. Let him hear it. Ari Shaffir. (applause) Alright. Let’s go back to 1997. Holy shit. Fuck. That time flies. And,
I’m a freshman in college. And, Thanksgiving. Remember
Thanksgiving everybody? (laughter) That’s the first time that
you go, usually, back home. That’s your first break
in your freshman year. And, it’s a big deal,
because it’s also like a mini class reunion, because it’s the
first time you see everybody you used to go to school
with everyday. You’re back. Your first few months.
And, everybody’s recapping. And the big thing
is the next day. The day after Thanksgiving.
Everybody gets together and parties their
fucking balls off while acting like they’re
a new person. Right I start off, I find
the guy, one of the guys that didn’t go to
school, and he’s like “I’m the new drug supplier.” And,
I’m like “I remember you from math.” (laughter) And
uh, he asks me what I want and I’m like “What do
you got?” And, he goes “I have ecstasy.”
And, I go “Yeah!” “Everyone says that’s
fun, let’s try it!” (laughter) And I start taking it, and,
oh! I forgot to mention. Before I went to college,
senior year, I got really into a drug that was making its way
especially through the south, through Florida, called GHB.
And, I’m sure, I don’t know if you know what it is, it’s
gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid your body naturally produces it. Sometimes, there are
some places where they regulate it as an
anesthetic. But, basically, when you get it, somebody made
it in a bathtub (laughter) and that’s the good
stuff, alright? (laughter) And they sell it to you, and
they get it in a water bottle. They also call it the
date rape drug, I, no I didn’t do that. I gave
it to myself all the time, (laughter) it does have an
amazing effect on sex. on masturbating, let’s be
honest. On masturbating Uh, I really had some crazy
masturbation seminars. (laughter) As a senior, and then I
passed out, and I’m like “Who jerked me off?” And then
I’m like, “oh yeah, it was me” (laughter) So… anyways… Okay, so I get the
ecstasy into my system and then, I take it, I’d never
taken it, so as soon as I’d taken it, I go like “Hey, man… Fuckin’…I don’t feel
anything.” He’s like, “You just took it man, like, give it a
minute, alright?” “Alright.” So, I’m hanging out at this
party, we’re at a party everyone’s together, and then
we’re going to go to a bar and at the end of the house
party on the way to the bar I go “Hey man, I
don’t feel anything.” So he goes “Alright, when we
get to the bar, come find me and I have GHB.” So I’m
like “Okay.” So, I find him and he’s like “Alright,
let’s go the car.” And that’s always the big move when you
go to the car, you’re like ah, this is where dreams
come true, in the car. (laughter) Drug dealers cars, where it
all lives, so I’m expecting what I know, which is a
water bottle, and then a dose is the cap. So all you do, is
you pour the water into the cap, and you drink it like that, and it takes like ocean
water, like sea water, right? salt water, and then, it’s
immediate. GHB, if it’s good stuff, it’s like, we
used to call it perma-grin. Cause you’d be like
(inebriated sounds) And if someone’s
like “Fuck you!” You’re like “(happy
inebriated sounds)” (laughter) So, I’m like “Alright,
where is it?” And he goes “It’s right there!”
and he has a gallon jug. Right? And, I’m like “Wow,
that’s not a water bottle” And he’s like “Yeah, I haven’t
even put it into the water bottles yet. That’s
the full thing.” And it’s a full gallon. Now if
you think about a full gallon you know that A) the cap is
much different, it’s flatter you’re not gonna, and it’s
also heavier, so I don’t know how to pour it, so he’s
like “Just take a shot!” And I’m like
“Alright!” (laughter) So I put it up and then I go in my mind, oh shit,
I have like nine shots in my mouth right
now. (laughter) So, the options are:
do I spit it back into (laughter) the main jug, which I feel like he’s gonna be not cool with that, you know? Being that
he’s a drug dealer and all. (laughter) the other
thing would be spit it out on the ground, and I don’t
wanna be rude, right? So, I just go like (grunts) (laughter) And, I’m like “Holy fuckin’ shit, I have
taken way too much GHB.” Now, I’m leaving out the
point that you’re not supposed to mix GHB and alcohol. It is potentially fatal. You may have known this,
if you didn’t, it can be. At this point, I am on 13 or
14 drinks (audience exclaims) and it’s liquor, you know,
vodka drinks, and I’m just pounding ’em, I get the nine
shots into me, and then I walk back into the bar, and
I’m like “What’s up everybah?” Like, I’m fuckin’ (laughter).
They’re like “Where does all this personality come from?” “Ah, it’s just natural man.” And then, I sat down I remember sitting down and then a girlfriend
came, and she sat on my lap and then lights out like I
just don’t remember anything like I went to
sleep. All I remember is that I wake up, and I’m
looking at lights on a ceiling right? I’m just like “Oh,
shit, is this heaven?” And, then I see a woman come in the frame,
right? Because I’m laying on my
back. I can’t talk. I can’t move my arms. And
this woman goes, “Hey Tom, you are in the Emergency
Room, and you overdosed on drugs and now you’re
coming out of a coma.” And, I’m just like
“(unintelligible
sounds of affirmation)” (laughter) Like processing it, but the
process literally was just eyes closed, like “Ah,
shit” and my only thought was like “I hope nobody
knows.” That’s the only thing I’m thinking. (laughter) I hope nobody knows. And
then I open my eyes again and my parents
come in the frame. And I’m like “Ah, everybody
knows.” (laughter) And they look so, just like
“We thought you were a good kid what the fuck?” So, I’d
never been in trouble They won’t let your arm
out cause I would pull out the tubes. I have a tube for
breathing, I have another tube that’s pumping liquid
charcoal into my stomach because that makes the chemicals
of the drugs come together and then you also can’t
digest it, so you vomit. Which is what they
want you to do. So, as I’m like (embarrassed
whimpers), I’m also like (retching sounds) and
throwing up, right? (laughter) So, they give me a piece
of paper and a pen, but I can’t really
write normally, cause
I’m strapped down, but I can kinda chicken
scratch, and they’re like “What did you take?” Cause
they’re tryna figure out they don’t even
know what I took. So I write “Heroin.” And they go, “Are you serious?!” And I write, “Jk” (laughter) They’re not like “Good one!”
They’re like “What the fuck, are you joking right now?” (raucous laughter) So then, the kid in me, I’m
looking at my parents and I’m so worried about
them. I write on the paper I go “Are you mad at me?” – [Audience Member] Awww. And my parents, at that moment my dad reads it and goes “No,
buddy, just disappointed.” (laughter) Can you save that for when
I’m breathing on my own? Like So, I’m in that emergency
room, I get moved to critical then ICU, and in the ICU, a
doctor comes in who I hadn’t seen yet. And, I’m later told this is the doctor, they
tell me, this is the doctor that saved your life. So,
I’m sitting there in the bed and he comes in, and he goes “Are you in a band?” (laughter) And I was like
“What, man? What?” And he goes “Are you in a band?” And I was like “No, I’m
not in a fuckin’ band.” And he goes, “Well you had
enough in you to take down two drum players and a
bass player man” (laughter) And, I’m like “You, now, with
the fuckin’ jokes? Really?” (laughter) And he goes
“What did you take?” And I go, I don’t know
“I took a couple pills” I told him honestly,
“I had some drinks And, I took, uh you know, some GHB probably enough for
a whole lot of people (laughter) And he goes, “What
about the heroine?” And I go “nah, I was
just joking.” And he goes “No, you have heroine
in your system.” And I was like
“(laughs) really?” And he’s like “Yeah, you have
heroine, you have cocaine you have PCP, you also have
the same chemicals that are in um, cleaners, like
some of the, like the super duty cleaners.”
And I’m like “What the fuck, man?” And he
goes “Where’d you get your GHB from?” And I go “one of my
buddies from high school.” He’s like “yeah, he’s a good
friend. He gave you some fuckin’ WD40 to put
in your system.” So, I, you know, eventually get to breathe on my own and all this shit and then he comes back, and
they’re like “You know, the doctor” the nurse tells me
“the doctor that saved you wants to talk to you.”
And, I’m like “Alright.” And, I ask him,
“how did I survive?” And he was like, “honestly… cause you’re fat (laughter) like you’re pretty fat.” (laughter) I was like “What, man?” (laughter continues) And he goes “I mean,
a smaller person would definitely, like a
120 pound person would die halfway through this. This
is just one of the only times where it’s good to be
fat, right now” and that’s yeah, that’s why I still haven’t
lost the weight, you guys. (laughter, cheering) (upbeat electronic music) – The best part is
when he called you fat. Tom Segura everybody, keep
it going for Tom Segura. Hey everybody, I just
took a break from flying through space to tell
you to, uh, click the link over there so we get
more YouTube hits. And, don’t forget to
subscribe, so that next week when the story comes out,
you’ll get that as well. Oh, there goes a celestial
planet. Hi, planet. (staccato tones)

100 Comments

  • Reply madbear3512 July 23, 2019 at 2:44 pm

    Bikes

  • Reply Cousin Ryan July 23, 2019 at 10:32 pm

    real homies lace your shit with wd-40

  • Reply famous brillance July 23, 2019 at 10:34 pm

    He’s younger than me? Dang Hollywood ages these guys.

  • Reply Matthew Perry July 23, 2019 at 11:35 pm

    Tom is awesome

  • Reply Skate Everything Project July 26, 2019 at 4:44 am

    Tom is the fucking man!

  • Reply Phil M July 26, 2019 at 10:26 am

    Hey Tom, your stand up is not that good

  • Reply Phil M July 26, 2019 at 10:28 am

    Shitty stand up

  • Reply Phil M July 26, 2019 at 10:37 am

    👍😃❤️👍❤️😃❤️👍

  • Reply Mr -Stillwinning July 28, 2019 at 2:26 am

    WHAT A CLOWN, SO FUNNY

  • Reply Martiizzer July 30, 2019 at 9:51 pm

    This is by far the best episode of This is not happening. <3

  • Reply J P August 1, 2019 at 10:41 am

    WH WHATS EVERYBDY! 😄

  • Reply Arlando Beler August 1, 2019 at 12:13 pm

    😂😂😂👏💯

  • Reply timwins31 August 2, 2019 at 5:06 am

    Of course Tom is from Florida.

  • Reply exhaustedbean #33 August 3, 2019 at 3:01 am

    4:22

  • Reply Connie Pedigo August 5, 2019 at 10:27 pm

    That intro👍

  • Reply RayRae 559 August 6, 2019 at 1:34 am

    I can't believe this was 6 years ago! I miss when Ari hosted..

  • Reply slappy happy August 6, 2019 at 6:07 pm

    Joke section from 8:45 ish was good but I saw an opportunity for him to improve the joke by implementing a quick joke about if after his father told him he was disappointed, a joke about the heart monitor going flat would be funny af too and mortal kombat finish him style for the joke.

  • Reply Help! I'm a rock! August 8, 2019 at 10:37 am

    Happens to the best of us Tom Tom xD

  • Reply practical intuition August 8, 2019 at 11:59 am

    How can I get ghb? I want to try it.

  • Reply stu S August 10, 2019 at 8:58 pm

    Hes not that funny but I find his wife very sexy.

  • Reply B Quinn August 10, 2019 at 9:35 pm

    Yup, I took the charcoal challenge.
    Quick edit, awesome set, thanks for the laugh.

  • Reply Duke Ragus August 12, 2019 at 5:12 pm

    Hilarious

  • Reply RageJ August 13, 2019 at 3:43 am

    i would have died if he said weed

  • Reply Chris Williams August 13, 2019 at 7:03 am

    Well, goddamn. Being fat probably saved my life on a GHB overdose, too.

  • Reply Aaron Robin August 13, 2019 at 9:47 am

    I had a similar experience on a cruise ship. Not the same drugs tho. I take methadone daily. I had 3 Jack n cokes and a soma (muscle relaxant) and remember going to sleep. I wake up in a hospital in Belize i think. Breathing tube and catheter. Well i had zero clue what was happening but had to piss….i started tugging on the catheter and nurses were like no no NO! Well i got it out but not before they deflated it. Dick bleeding fun is now a popular term at my job.

  • Reply Gboythunda August 13, 2019 at 1:43 pm

    Aye-yi-yi!!!

  • Reply MMMCLXXX ________ August 14, 2019 at 4:14 am

    Popular Cvltvre is now 99% half-chewed OVERT PSYCHOLOGICAL OPERATIONS.
    As soon as you relax and listen to this seemingly innocuous dribbling fat-average-crypto-j-potato `comedy`, it`s NORMALIZED, and
    you consent to the download into your soft pink underbelly of a Subconscious.

    “*Tune in, and drop out*“ — C I A

  • Reply Not Bill Gates August 15, 2019 at 9:00 pm

    Who jerked me off? Oh, it was me

  • Reply steeuber August 17, 2019 at 2:37 am

    ya this shit was funny

  • Reply carolina grima August 17, 2019 at 10:07 am

    blowouttttts

  • Reply John McCarthy August 18, 2019 at 5:03 pm

    If you like Tom Segura, you may like my stand-up
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qnBs683DGk

  • Reply Omgitsjoetime T August 18, 2019 at 6:10 pm

    Ari sucks dick

  • Reply Kristine Smart August 20, 2019 at 8:42 pm

    It's not worth it. Go shopping! Eat cheese cake. Go hunting. Swim, bike ride….work on a career. What wastes of talent in this universe.

  • Reply Comedy Central Stand-Up August 20, 2019 at 9:53 pm

    Looking for more This Is Not Happening? Check out comedians’ wildest drug stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5pl-EsIsmgZTuS0t3Tm6EV8

  • Reply Bongo Bob August 24, 2019 at 10:59 am

    The bit should be called "How being fat saved my life"

  • Reply David R. August 24, 2019 at 11:11 pm

    I would'a called the cops on that "friend, had him locked up, then waited till he gets out of jail, kidnapped him and made him drink piss and bleach for a week until he dies. what a piece of shit!

  • Reply Rob Merilees August 25, 2019 at 3:07 am

    Its weird to see so much of the green screen.

  • Reply learn2 farm August 25, 2019 at 8:44 am

    Anyone who has a small knowledge of chemistry knows you dont stack two full gaba agonist… alcohol is definately the weaker of the two tho… the unknown dose of GHB was much more dangerous. Throw some amphetamine in that bitch and youll be fine… or dead… depending on how strong your heart is lol seriously drs tell you not to mix the drugs but they will do it for you in the ER amphetamine od is treated with a healthy dose of gaba agonists all you need to do to survive is prevent the heart from stopping with a strong stimulant and your good come whatever may in the mean time. gaba coma you just walk that shit off no od if sleep was the goal, and if it was GHB the charcoal was useless he came to because of natural detox processes of his body ghb and alcohol dont make it long versus a healthy liver.

  • Reply fredfirestoner August 28, 2019 at 3:00 am

    whats up with those two chicks in the front row there like really into him and look like there ready to laugh at any word he says I'm talking about the one wearing the long sleeve tee shirt with gray sleeves

  • Reply Adamentality World August 29, 2019 at 3:32 pm

    I'm glad he didn't die!

  • Reply Rolf Zincken August 30, 2019 at 4:09 pm

    0:18 What song is this?

  • Reply Stephenjohn hughes August 30, 2019 at 6:59 pm

    judis killed jesus GOD bless the JEWS

  • Reply Quincee 33 September 1, 2019 at 1:22 pm

    Liquid G !

  • Reply Michael Perez September 2, 2019 at 5:32 pm

    Damn this reminds me of all the days I went to war taking scoops. I went down the same way as him and landed in the ICU but I managed to pull the tube out and that’s how I woke up.

  • Reply Shane E September 2, 2019 at 6:52 pm

    Dude i jerked off for 24 hours straight on that shit

    No.joke

  • Reply Dbow H September 4, 2019 at 10:02 am

    Death shot , not smart !
    GHB is lethal with booze

  • Reply Ara Blak September 4, 2019 at 4:44 pm

    Are you also here because the title scared the shit out of you?

  • Reply Kenji Sakamoto September 4, 2019 at 6:29 pm

    Pretty much our cars are either heaven or hell.

  • Reply ネオンNeon Dion September 4, 2019 at 7:19 pm

    Am I the only one who noticed the host/mc was the amazing racist?

  • Reply Loresk Canada September 6, 2019 at 12:16 pm

    waking up and having parents come into frame has happened to me twice. Both times were alcohol, the first time I was in a coma as well. I'm surprised I didn't die from drugs when I did them honestly

  • Reply Loren Siovahn September 7, 2019 at 1:50 pm

    'Cause you're fat' 😩🤣🤣 I wouldn't want to lose weight after that either

  • Reply Harima September 7, 2019 at 6:02 pm

    I love Tom Segura so much! I cant wait till I see him live

  • Reply c m September 8, 2019 at 9:47 pm

    I always thought he was younger…and thinner, lol

  • Reply Tyler Bishop September 9, 2019 at 10:26 pm

    Tom, I'm going with Bill on this one. You're a psychopath.

  • Reply drfunk burger September 10, 2019 at 11:31 pm

    Tom is legit the funniest man alive

  • Reply Sydney Hensley September 11, 2019 at 1:43 am

    Why am I laughing at this?! That's so fucked up, but I'm in tears. 😂😂

  • Reply Esmeralda Luna September 14, 2019 at 2:55 am

    This makes me feel not so bad for smoking my pen 💀

  • Reply Teun de Heer September 15, 2019 at 1:51 am

    This guy looks like a combination of Zach Galifianakis and Bradley Cooper.

  • Reply Valentina Herrera September 16, 2019 at 5:51 pm

    Hahahaha i love how he spent 11 plus minutes telling a story just to say and thats why i didnt lose the weight.

  • Reply James Peebles September 17, 2019 at 2:26 am

    Whoever edited the footage of the first 30 seconds Tom steps on stage is smoking crack. There were 15 cuts in as many seconds and it made me feel like I was in a night club on ecstasy in 1997. Holy shit. And fuck. Time flies. I'm a freshman in college. And uh….

  • Reply Motionpics 1020 September 19, 2019 at 5:22 am

    No buddy just disappointed

  • Reply Lorena Vodniza September 22, 2019 at 4:46 am

    Y’all agree with me that this is sad? :c

  • Reply David Baer September 23, 2019 at 12:20 am

    Can’t believe this is 6 years old

  • Reply Peach Boy September 23, 2019 at 5:54 am

    That “jk” made it so I couldn’t breathe hahaha

  • Reply Lugus • September 25, 2019 at 11:46 pm

    Never heard of ghb

  • Reply Emilie von Baüer September 26, 2019 at 1:11 am

    I discovered this reliable supplier who sells online in small quantities. You were the only one who really gave it up. Recommend! = > > > [email protected]

  • Reply Steven Del carlo September 27, 2019 at 3:34 am

    If Mom finds out, everyone knows

  • Reply RageJ September 27, 2019 at 5:09 am

    was that epic meal time?

  • Reply Raymond Aleman September 27, 2019 at 5:06 pm

    “Cause you’re fat” 🤣 🤣

  • Reply Frank Green September 29, 2019 at 9:01 am

    I have an almost identical story except they were spaced out over two hours…

  • Reply Crazy Joe Davola September 29, 2019 at 7:44 pm

    You didn't die because your fat….I bet Tom had some mixed feelings about that

  • Reply youtubing182 September 30, 2019 at 10:01 pm

    You only abuse drugs in that way if you have no friends.

  • Reply Dankzilla October 2, 2019 at 9:54 pm

    Maybe the dealer was Ari Cosby?

  • Reply Dynamic Hypnotic October 3, 2019 at 4:24 pm

    just a fairly unfunny anecdote really?

  • Reply *InsertNameHere* October 3, 2019 at 5:36 pm

    This motherfucker lied on JRE he said he never did molly!

  • Reply adam bourgoin-stone October 5, 2019 at 3:38 pm

    That sudden HUGH gets me everytime

  • Reply The Meat October 5, 2019 at 11:06 pm

    Could this guy be anymore of a fat loser?

  • Reply Jon Wheeler October 6, 2019 at 6:10 pm

    Was his Drug dealer Ari?

  • Reply P_B October 7, 2019 at 7:48 am

    Tom was a tubby Tom then, he's a more trim Tom now.

  • Reply D D October 7, 2019 at 6:41 pm

    Is this comedy?

  • Reply Lean like a Cholo October 8, 2019 at 3:35 pm

    He didn't write JK in 1998.

  • Reply lakesh biyala October 9, 2019 at 5:30 am

    joey diaz be like .." i had 21 shot of GHB cocksucka….like a doctor ''

  • Reply Davay Morrison October 9, 2019 at 7:32 pm

    Thats was good.

  • Reply Rolf Zincken October 10, 2019 at 1:23 pm

    0:16 What song is this, it's so doooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope!!!!

  • Reply James Tillman October 10, 2019 at 8:20 pm

    And that's why I haven't lost weight

  • Reply Michael J October 10, 2019 at 9:46 pm

    I’ve never heard of anyone taking GHB recreationally

  • Reply Big G October 11, 2019 at 4:13 pm

    Bikes!

  • Reply DozyProductions October 11, 2019 at 9:26 pm

    What a great way to explain why he's fat.

  • Reply tcsharrett October 12, 2019 at 7:00 pm

    All that for a fat joke…lol!!!

  • Reply Michael Melro October 13, 2019 at 7:02 am

    I wonder if Ari knew one day he'd be spiking fellow comedians drinks with highly illegal drugs at this point in his life.

  • Reply Mic Quiroz October 13, 2019 at 3:50 pm

    ▪︎Hosted by Ari Shaffir

  • Reply Marek Marecki October 13, 2019 at 5:43 pm

    There goes my training and dieting 🤘😎🤘

  • Reply Willard Winkle October 13, 2019 at 6:05 pm

    Wait who jerked me off last night?
    Oh yeah that was me.

  • Reply L Sz October 13, 2019 at 8:20 pm

    Holy shit Segura aged so fast

  • Reply burns83 October 16, 2019 at 9:14 am

    Who pays for these drugs commercials. Some jew?

  • Reply Fddlstxx October 17, 2019 at 7:56 pm

    I have heard him tell this story before but this was actually a better performance of it

  • Reply Joshua Demas October 19, 2019 at 3:48 am

    Bert is a fat racists comic and I don’t like it

  • Reply Ryan Lankford October 19, 2019 at 2:50 pm

    These constant angle changes are cancer.

  • Reply rai ZOR October 20, 2019 at 7:01 am

    oh thats why

  • Reply LT. Dangle October 20, 2019 at 11:40 am

    I love Tom.

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